meridian_rose

I'm still not posting much, sorry. I do still think of you all.
Part of it is when I look at all the things I've done over that past many month that I could share - icons & other graphics made for lands of magic previous round(s), crafts I've completed, holiday photos, fic dashed off for lands of magic that needs editing before I share it anywhere - it just feels overwhelming.

Same with the circle/f-list but I have again gone back through recent entries to try and catch up with at least some of you.

I tell myself the usual: you don't have to do it all at once. Because often when you start a project whether it's redecorating a room, sorting out paperwork, deleting old emails, or organising photos physically or digitally, it's less daunting once you begin.
I also remind myself that no-one cares about this stuff but me, so there's no pressure. That however means I keep not doing the thing. This is why GYWO and lands-of-magic (and things like Small Fandom Bang and Unconventional Courtship) are necessary for me actually accomplish things.

As it stand with lands of magic closed/on hiatus, I've mostly been writing drawerfic or I'd be even more behind on GYWO. I tell myself they're words and they count. I did today draft a fic out of sheer rage at fictional character death from show I don't think any of you have ever heard of let alone watched.
(A subreddit had many saying the same thing I did and so dammit I'm writing a fix-it because it's more plausible than show canon!)

I will share just one photo for now. It's a minor miracle but here's Lyra and Rufus actually sitting on the sofa at the same time!

I'm both relieved and not that it's February.
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Things have been rough. I'm barely keeping up with my online commitments but I'm doing my best for things like LJ Idol. I don't want to whine too much. Looking back over my past journal entries shows I talk too much. But I do hope to make a nicer personal post before the end of the month. If I'm not around quite as much, that's why.

I seem to be playing catch up since the start of the year, partly because I allowed myself a hiatus for a couple of weeks - putting myself behind on my sfbb fics as well as my internet reading and commenting.
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I'm not pariticpating in the current round of therealljidol for various reasons (you can sign up until Wednesday if you'd like to). But I will probably read and vote. There's also scope to write non-voting entries for the prompts. This week's is "I need the struggle to feel alive". And I could not disagree more.

I take pleasure in completion of projects, and overcoming some obstacles. Think of an online game; you can complete tasks, save points, buy upgrades. Or you can pay for the upgrades. Which is more satisfying? The one where you put the work in. But constant struggling is not fun, not satisfying, not rewarding. Working witout achieving success is soul destroying.

Which brings me to apathy.

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference - Elie Wiesel

the worst thing you can do to an author is to be silent as to his works - Samuel Johnson

My NaNo failures continue. I skipped a day yesterday, out for a Christmas Shopping & Meal Out with my sister and a movie on the night with family. I don't regret it but it means my wordcount deficit is now staggering, 10.5k, and if I write nothing today 12k.

I've posted a ficlet and a fic during NaNo, hoping feedback would help inspire me to do more. But no matter how many posts I make, or how much fic I post, or fic promo posts I post, I'm not getting comments on fic, barely any reblogs of tumblr posts. Same for journal entries I make, and comments I leave on entries and on fic; barely any response. I've made an effort to make more posts this month. I've made an effort to leave more comments on fic this month and got responses to less than half.

Apathy cannot kill my creative urge entirely but it can sap it enough that I see no reason to finish anything* or share it publicly, and jfc it's laughable to think about original work when fanfic (even about a popular ship) can't muster up enthusiasm from a built-in audience.**
I'm just feeling down for a few reasons right now, this is just one of them but it's a big one. Writing has always felt like who I am and if that's pointless, it's all pointless.***

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* 2 x 10k fics one in each of those same two fandoms, why bother? Because I made a commitment is all I've got right now.

** cue "oh you should only write for yourself and not care at all about audience"; if I write for myself and myself alone why post? I've got unposted fanfic novellas that are for me. If I'm posting it's because I'm sharing.
If I write you a personal email I'm talking to you, if I make a filtered post I'm talking to a select group of people, if I make a public post I'm saying "I exist, I am here, I have thoughts, I have made this thing, please listen and respond in kind."

*** cue "you should have more REAL interests"; you think real life friends haven't dropped me once they get spouses/kids, you think I should get a partner when society keeps making it clear that asexuals don't deserve relationships because sex is the be-all-and-end-all of partnerships. Or maybe you think my clerking job (which I do enjoy and get some satisfaction from) is a replacement for the desire to create and be heard? I'm tired of being told I should get more "real work"/be an editor/take up *insert non-creative activity here*; I'm looking to succeed in what I love, not do what anyone else thinks I should be doing.

So contrary to the diary post I made yesterday the PC isn't doing well. It crashed last night and refused to reboot from the hard drive. I'm worried it's a more serious issue than just replacing the hard disk, possibly something wrong with the motherboard. It could be just a loose connection where I installed the new drive. I won't know until I can take a look later, and see if there's anything to be done to repair it. So, again, access will be sporadic. As this is just an update, comments are disabled. I will reply to comments to my previous post when I can.

I didn't even manage five poems, given the lack of interest, and have resorted to graphics tutorials and, today, recs (in the vain hope what other people have to say is more interesting), so day six will be the last post of poetry week. Still, have a haiku

poetry is one
way of expressing one's
deepest hopes, dreams, fears

Rec's:

Themes of the week were creativity, the highs and lows:

see the whole comic strip here

And the importance of audience:

If we write a book and no one reads it, does the book really exist? Or is it simply a collection of words caught somewhere between yesterday and eternity, destined to float silently through the universe until it disappears altogether?

read the whole article here

It's pretty ironic that for most of these pieces where I'm writing about the importance of audience, I don't have one. There's always people saying "you should totally…" write more poetry/publish a book/finish that fanfic/make a record/learn to edit vids, when what they mean is "You should totally do that but I won't read/listen/watch". It rather reminds me of Zoolander's Hansel enthusing about his "hero", Sting: