I (don't) need the struggle to feel alive/Apathy

[meridian_rose]

I'm not pariticpating in the current round of therealljidol for various reasons (you can sign up until Wednesday if you'd like to). But I will probably read and vote. There's also scope to write non-voting entries for the prompts. This week's is "I need the struggle to feel alive". And I could not disagree more.

I take pleasure in completion of projects, and overcoming some obstacles. Think of an online game; you can complete tasks, save points, buy upgrades. Or you can pay for the upgrades. Which is more satisfying? The one where you put the work in. But constant struggling is not fun, not satisfying, not rewarding. Working witout achieving success is soul destroying.

Which brings me to apathy.

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference - Elie Wiesel

the worst thing you can do to an author is to be silent as to his works - Samuel Johnson

My NaNo failures continue. I skipped a day yesterday, out for a Christmas Shopping & Meal Out with my sister and a movie on the night with family. I don't regret it but it means my wordcount deficit is now staggering, 10.5k, and if I write nothing today 12k.

I've posted a ficlet and a fic during NaNo, hoping feedback would help inspire me to do more. But no matter how many posts I make, or how much fic I post, or fic promo posts I post, I'm not getting comments on fic, barely any reblogs of tumblr posts. Same for journal entries I make, and comments I leave on entries and on fic; barely any response. I've made an effort to make more posts this month. I've made an effort to leave more comments on fic this month and got responses to less than half.

Apathy cannot kill my creative urge entirely but it can sap it enough that I see no reason to finish anything* or share it publicly, and jfc it's laughable to think about original work when fanfic (even about a popular ship) can't muster up enthusiasm from a built-in audience.**
I'm just feeling down for a few reasons right now, this is just one of them but it's a big one. Writing has always felt like who I am and if that's pointless, it's all pointless.***

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* 2 x 10k fics one in each of those same two fandoms, why bother? Because I made a commitment is all I've got right now.

** cue "oh you should only write for yourself and not care at all about audience"; if I write for myself and myself alone why post? I've got unposted fanfic novellas that are for me. If I'm posting it's because I'm sharing.
If I write you a personal email I'm talking to you, if I make a filtered post I'm talking to a select group of people, if I make a public post I'm saying "I exist, I am here, I have thoughts, I have made this thing, please listen and respond in kind."

*** cue "you should have more REAL interests"; you think real life friends haven't dropped me once they get spouses/kids, you think I should get a partner when society keeps making it clear that asexuals don't deserve relationships because sex is the be-all-and-end-all of partnerships. Or maybe you think my clerking job (which I do enjoy and get some satisfaction from) is a replacement for the desire to create and be heard? I'm tired of being told I should get more "real work"/be an editor/take up *insert non-creative activity here*; I'm looking to succeed in what I love, not do what anyone else thinks I should be doing.

Comments

[callisto24]

*hugs*
I'm failing with Nano, too.
Writing is hard. Sometimes I help myself by remembering a quote. One of my favourites is this one:
<<< Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better. <<< by Samuel Beckett

Uhm, and writing and fandom, related or not, are real interests. It's strange, I don't get many comments on my writings, but sometimes there are answers for stories I'd long forgotten about, posted somewhere I don't know how to get access anymore. So nothing is useless.

(and see - I learned to use Dreamwidth instead of LJ - one day I'll get a grip on tumblr.) :)

[meridian_rose]

You'd think they are real interests (and I do) but unless you're making money from something it's useless according to some people. Same for if you're not fucking them, then it's not a relationship. Therefore if you only know someone online via fandom then that's not "real" at all. Which is the complete opposite of how I feel! But people don't seem to want to interact these days, don't leave comments, so there's no conversation and little encouragement and it's awful because Tumblr "likes" are no replacement for comments.

So thank you for commenting! And if you write in English I will read and leave flailing comments but my German is negligible :( I get excited when I see DvD and then OH NOES every time I realise the latest fic here/at AO3 isn't in English. It is my own fault. My languages are too few and too rusty to be of any use for reading fic.

Yay! DW is so similar to LJ :) Tumblr is a whole other mess. I'm still discovering things - and then sometimes a thing doesn't work because of the theme used on that particular Tumblr which makes me **grrrrr**. I get that it's easier to upload images there but I really wish people cared more about all the other things that Tumblr is useless at but LJ/DW do well.

[kellan_the_tabby]

I hereby officially offer to bite anyone who gives you a hard time for being ace, that is NOT COOL. I mean also for not living up to whatever bizarre definition they have of what's a 'real thing' or whatever, there's a lot of reasons to bite people, I offer many biting services.

[meridian_rose]

That is so sweet, thank you! I have had people in the past be dicks about asexuality but I'm done feeling I need to hide it or be ashamed of it :)
The "real thing" covers such a range of "you're not doing exactly what I'm doing therefore it's wrong" and on good days I don't care because I am who I am and love what I love. But it's been a rough month and it's been harder to be my own cheerleader. So I really appreciate your comment. You made me smile :D

[kellan_the_tabby]

I'm glad it helped, cos I read my comment back later & was like wow, those words are all in English & I'm pretty sure I know what I meant but that ... that is not necessarily going to be true of anyone else?

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I absolutely agree with your interp of this prompt.

Sorry you're still feeling so alone in regards to writing. I hope that things ease up for me by mid-December and I will be around more after that. Don't be so hard on yourself regarding NaNo, it's arbitrary.

[meridian_rose]

Thank you *hugs* I think there are people who are at their best under pressure, but I am not one of them. Like others, I can give encouragement but unlike some, I also need it.

It's arbitrary is what I say every time I remember I won last year and yet that novel is only about half done. I've written a lot of gift fics for Yuletide, and I've finished some fic and I've finished first drafts of long in progress fics, so I have been more productive than perhaps I've been giving myself credit for. I'd like to not fail ("to not-win"?) by too many words though!

[tinny]

But no matter how many posts I make, or how much fic I post, or fic promo posts I post, I'm not getting comments on fic, barely any reblogs of tumblr posts. Same for journal entries I make, and comments I leave on entries and on fic; barely any response.

Yeah, I feel you.

(I realize I don't often comment on your posts, less often than you comment on mine, definitely.)

But apart from that, tumblr is often a black hole. A lot of my posts have no reblogs at all, some have 1 reblog, when a friend saw it by accident (on tumblr it is so hard to keep track of stuff), and some go into double digits when a bnf reblogs them. But they are the rare exceptions.

I see other people in the same fandom get a lot more reblogs, even though the quality of their posts is objectively no better than mine. It's not fair, and it's occasionally really demotivating.

But I try to just do the things I would do anyway and take satisfaction from the creative process. Sometimes that's all you'll get. I can live with that most of the time.

[meridian_rose]

Oh yes. It is so hard to make Tumblr work. The relentless posting means if you're not on American time it's hard to connect and the lack of communities mean praying you've (a) used the right tags and (b) someone more popular in that fandom then sees the tag and reblogs. And every time I complain at Tumblr *that* post gets likes. People want better ways of connecting.

Worse, I'm wondering if I'm not getting comments at AO3 because I'm not a popular single-topic tumblr blogger in the fandom and thereby not able to promote as efficiently as someone who's a tumblr BNF. Because same fandom, ship, genre fic from popular Tumblr user is attracting actual comments where I'm not. I already have 2 fandom specific sideblogs & my additional professional tumblr though and I need to choose where to put my energy.

So yes, do what I would do anyway is good advice. But it's disheartening to not only seemingly go unnoticed but to go unnoticed in favour of others, because I start wondering if maybe I've lost my edge and maybe the fiction I'm putting out isn't worth people's time :( My self-esteem issues mean I need some sort of encouragement, and everyone can benefit from concrit and connection.

Thanks for taking the time to comment. It is appreciated! *hugs* I've got 2 episodes of "Killjoys" to watch and then I can start "Librarians" S3 and I'm sure I will have thoughts about it to discuss at the librarians comm :)