meridian_rose

Title: Whole and Complete Unto Thyself
Fandom: Original Work
Rating: Mature for language and themes. Gen. Original Characters.
Word Count: 1499
Prompt: For mmom and allbingo wild card - asexuality
Summary: There's nothing like being told the only sex you'll ever have is wrong to knock your self-esteem. If you're lucky, you have a friend to vent to. Discussion of sexual orientations and asexuality in particular. Please see the endnotes.

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It's that time of year again, Asexual Awareness Week. I'm hoping to put together a few posts during this week.

If you're completely new to the concept of asexuality there's a brief overview here a fantastic comic here or a poster with some key points here.

I've written plenty of posts, have rec'd and linked to articles, and written fic with the theme of asexuality and they're usually tagged theme: asexuality spectrum.

Also I have a tag for theme: non-sexual intimacy because sex is not the only, nor the most important, way to show intimacy and affection.

I maintain a Pinterest Board on asexuality here. On Tumblr I follow Everyday Igonorance which is run by asexual author Julie Sondra Decker, and House of Ace which are good starting points to find resources and other blogs. I always mention verbs not nouns; while the journal is infrequently updated these days, the past posts give great insight into the life of a kinky asexual.



It's always a bit of risk to make these posts. I had someone unfriend me after the first time I posted about asexuality (could have been coincidental but who knows).
Last year I had someone take the wonderful term "zucchini" as a slang term for a platonic life partner and twist into "so, like an emotional vegetable?" (because clearly the thing to do when you don't understand something is turn a positive term developed by a marginalised community into a slur, with the bonus of propagating the stereotype of the Puritan Genius Inhuman Unemotional Asexual).
This year I'm writing a post about masturbation because I just had a major falling out over a couple of issues with someone including their privileging of "real sex" and insistence of the importance of it in any relationship, along with their dismissal of masturbation as a valid and life-affirming expression of sexuality (I'm asexual, this is probably the only sex I'm ever going to have, and if I want to have an orgasm, it's not for you to tell me it's somehow lesser because I don't have a partner).

Why bother, then? Because I'm angry about being sidelined and seeing asexuals insulted and reading about masturbation as more sinful then unmarried sex. More angry than sad. And when you have that much anger it's best to channel it productively. And if LJ Idol has taught me anything it's that there's more satisfaction to be had when you don't censor yourself but write from your soul and trust that you will find an audience. So I'm going to post and damn the consequences.

Day six – queer identity

There's often arguments over whether asexuality can or should be accepted under the queer umbrella (eg QUILTBAG) and in particular by the LGBT groups currently in existence.

Dan Savage is a gay man who doesn't think so, but then he's not a very tolerant person to begin with. He despises the T and the A He's also nasty about the B and there's racism and other isms to go around too.
He gets some credit for being behind the It Gets Better project, but that too has its problems and many non-white, non-male, poor, or non-mongomous individuals in the LGBT community feel he's as toxic as a homophobic politician, using his privilege to insist that there's a "right way" to be gay that excludes all but a few select members of an already marginalised section of society. And he's unapologetic and still acting as spokesperson for a movement he barely represents.

What does it mean to say asexuals are queer?
"On one side you have people saying, “Queer means any non-normative gender or sexual orientation, so asexuals are queer.” On the other side, you have people saying, “Queer just means LGBT, and I don’t see any asexuality in the L, G, B, or T.” Both of these arguments are missing the point.
The meaning of the words isn’t the point. Words don’t have feelings. People have feelings."

"being asexual definitely does not make you queer. being queer makes you queer. i’m not saying asexuals don’t have struggles, i’m saying they don’t have queer struggles because of their asexuality. heteroromantic asexuals have stright privilege, not passing straight privilege, just regular, normal striaght privilege.
being heteroromantic isn’t an aspect of being striaght, it just makes you straight." [horrible grammar and misspellings left intact]. This is from a tumblr post and the reblog with rebuttal is:
"Previous to asexuality’s inclusion into the sexuality discussion, we had queer and straight, a simple dichotomy, and when asexuality was introduced, a lot of people ignored it and lumped it in with not-queer, which lead to associating it with straightness.
That’s flawed. Asexuality is a separate category from straight and queer, and it should be treated as such. Heterom aces aren’t straight because they’re ace - they may identify as straight, because they do have aspects of straightness, as evidenced by their being heterom. I think you’re on the right path with some of what you’re saying, but being straight isn’t just being heteroromantic. If it were, heteronormativity would look a lot different than it does today, and asexuals likely wouldn’t be harmed as they are by current standards of heteronormativity.
Sexuality is no longer a dichotomy, and yet people continue to treat it as such. I prefer to look at it by seeing that many asexuals, including heterom aces, are harmed by heteronormativity on the basis of their being asexual. Some aces, the LGB aces, are harmed further by heteronormativity on the basis of homophobia. That’s the distinction that no one makes. They say, “oh sooper sorry to hear about your struggles” but all they really care about is continuing their dichotomy of queer and not-queer, and that’s unacceptable. I say this as a bisexual person.
Asexuality needs to be separated from heterosexuality, and while yes, some aces share aspects of heteronormative culture, they are not heterosexual and therefore wouldn’t benefit entirely from heteronormativity, and as lived experience of some of those heterom aces would prove, they can and are harmed by it as well.
And even though I say asexuals can be harmed on the basis of heteronormativity is not to say that I think they’re an oppressed class, just that they can and are harmed by it." [emboldening mine]

Does Asexuality Fall Under the Queer Umbrella?
"I should point out that it is possible to identify as asexual and also stake a claim as straight, lesbian, or gay (or genderqueer, or bisexual, or [insert another label from the growing identity list here]), because asexuals define their desires not as sexual but as romantic. Those who identify as asexual generally don't want to have sex, but that doesn't mean they don't seek the closeness of other human beings for love, companionship, shared experiences, cohabitation, and everything else that we all appreciate about partnering up. Distinct from celibacy, asexuality is not considered a choice. "Nonsexual intimacy" might characterize the type of relations asexuals seek, and there are plenty of sites that make it easier for asexual-identified persons to "hook up" with one another: Affectionate Friends, Asexual Pals, Celibate Passions, and Platonic Partners, to name a few. As with all sexual (or, in this case, nonsexual) identities, a spectrum exists. Someone who claims asexuality as his or her predominating preference might have experiences that range from never having had a single sexual thought or fantasy to sometimes engaging in sexual acts, with others or oneself, out of curiosity or for release, or to satisfy a "mixed partner" who might not be asexual.
It might be difficult to wrap one's brain around what it feels like to be asexual (telling me not to think about sex, or to think about not thinking about sex, is a total turn-on for this horny homo), but I can certainly empathize with feelings of being misunderstood, underrepresented, and closeted. Some people just don't want to get it on, and they have my vote to take safe harbor from the heteronormative thunderstorm and join us under the queer umbrella."

And, on the asexuality as a spectrum, people often struggle as to whether they should identity as asexual at all. The asexual education tumblr has often given advice on finding your own labels such as in response to this question:
"I have read the FAQ, but I'm wondering whether the fact that I have crushes on celebrities, but never real people (anymore) counts"
The answer given is "I think it’s not unusual for asexuals to fantasize but never wish to act on those fantasies in real life. Sexual fantasies aren’t really the same as feeling attraction.
I think if you don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone in reality, then I don’t see why you can’t consider yourself asexual. It really depends on what you feel fits you most, though. If you feel that fantasies still count, you could go with gray asexual."


Asexuality is a spectrum and one which most agree is part of a queer identity and should be accepted under the queer umbrella.

Day Two – the kinky asexual/sex and asexuality

Another misconception is that asexuality is somehow about being "prudish", "enlightened" or otherwise "clean/pure". I don't smoke but I do drink alcohol, eat meat, have a tattoo, keep pets, swear profusely, enjoy certain erotica, etc. I don't abstain from sex out of some idea of purity, and in fact find most notions of being "pure" obnoxious. I "abstain" only because I don't experience sexual attraction to people.

In fact many on the asexual spectrum do engage in sex for a number of reasons/under various circumstances, and even if they don't, many people have personal "kinks."

I recently took a just for fun quiz on "what kind of asexual are you" – I expected maybe "kinky ace" as others reported, but I got "self-sexy ace". Some commentators at the FB page where I came across the quiz were horrified at the idea of any enjoyment of anything even vaguely related to sex, but what they, and everyone else ought to realise is that asexuality is a spectrum.Like all sexual identities, gender, and romantic attraction, trying to use boxes doesn't allow for the infinite variety of how people experience the world. Only a full spectrum of options lets people choose all of the labels they feel are right for them (or none at all).
And if you wonder how you can be a kinky ace, check out verbs_not_nouns blog for one person's experience of how arousal and non-sexual intimacy can be as satisfying as PIV sex. You might want to start with this post:
Things I have learned about myself from other people A list of blatantly untrue things the self described kinky asexual blogger has been told about their identity such as "I am pure, innocent and easily embarrassed by frank sexual talk".
Other links about sex and asexuality:

How to Have Sex With an Asexual Person
In fact this guide isn't just about asexuality: "this way to approach sex is NOT SPECIFIC TO ASEXUAL PEOPLE. It is not "special treatment" because we are asexual. It's common courtesy. This is how you should approach sex with EVERYONE. There are simply more things to be cautious about with asexual people.]"
It explains that

Some asexuals are open to having sex (key word = SOME). Not only that, but it is possible to have really great, mutually enjoyable sex with an asexual person. But it is also possible to fuck it up so bad that the asexual person has nightmares about you five years later. You don’t want to do that. There’s a right way to do it, and I’m going to tell you what you should do, and what you should avoid.
Please note: This post is not about seduction. You can’t seduce an asexual, and framing it as seduction is dangerous for us, because it encourages people to follow a sexual script that is coercive and manipulative instead of listening to us. Get that model of sexual interaction out of your head right now. You need to start fresh. Trust me, it’s the only way this is going to be any good.

101 Asexy Sex Scenes
"This is, in fact, 101 different any-fandom prompts for fanfic with asexual characters and sex scenes. In a way it is a how-to: so that if anyone is wondering how to do it, or thinks there just aren't enough possibilities with an ace character, or would like to write but doesn't know where to start, this can be a starting place. And it can serve as an example of just how many different ways of being asexual and being involved in sex there can be."
The prompts are given in the form of an imagery fandom so you put in your own favourite characters/original creations. Includes gems like "Alex and Ash think squishy bits are yucky in RL. But online roleplaying is fun!" and "Alex is a virgin, but wants to try sex with another person just once, just to see what it's like, so asks Bailey, and Bailey tries to show Alex how it can be good. The result isn't a life-changing experience for either of them, but it's a treasured memory for both."

And there's even a "kinky gen" tag at AO3 - Kinky Gen Works

It's hard to go one week without coming across a Tumblr post, Youtube comment, or comment on a newspaper article that posits sex as vital and asexuals as (a) liars/sick bastards in need of medicating, and/or (b) incapable of being in a romantic relationship.

Some articles in agony columns will say that sex is not important or is only as important as the individuals in a relationship believe it to be. Others insist sex is really important – that sex is the difference between marriage and being roommates. (Where "fuck buddy" roommates fit in is anyone's guess)

One study found that

"Romantic relationships are, at their core, friendships….benefits come from valuing friendship specifically, rather than any other aspect of the relationship (e.g., the sexual aspect). "

That's what interests me most in a 'ship' between friends or romantic partners; aspects like trust and respect, nonsexual intimacies, banter. In ships were the characters are often serious and contained, showing their playful side or their vulnerabilities is a huge turn-on, and shows how important and trustworthy they deem their partner to behave in these ways.

I don't read a lot of PWP even though I often enjoy erotic fiction. For me there has to be some deeper connection, some emotional intimacy if I'm to enjoy reading about a relationship. I'm also interested in various kinks, so lots of touching of hair, or the fact that he's wearing a uniform, or that they're having sex on a desk or in a shower excites me more than basic PIV bedroom sex.



I think the only orig fic PWP I've written was An Intimate Moment, where the couple meet, feel an attraction, and leave the club to have sex. Although even here there was a weighing up of qualities both physical and character wise, before the decision was made.

It wasn't his blue eyes that attracted her so much as the way they swept the area, assessing it just as she had done when she entered. This was a man who knew where all the exits were, who had positioned himself at the bar where he could use the mirrored glass behind it to check his perimeter, and who held himself with a confidence that suggested he'd been tried, tested and not found wanting. This was prey worth stalking, and if her instincts were correct, the sort who would appreciate the game.

In fanfic, I try to touch on why the erotic focus is there; in the PWP LotS fic Foreplay I imply for the purposes of the story that Darken is attracted to Richard, but the backstory is already there, his jealousy of his brother, his love of domination and thus having Richard at his mercy. If I'm shipping characters who haven't got a romantic/sexual relationship in canon I usually try to spend some time developing their relationship in ways other than sex before having them jump into bed. I also write threesomes* and touch on things like age-gap relationships, still fairly underrepresented in fanfic.

In original fic, I'm usually writing about relationships that go way beyond physical attraction. Some characters have fairly casual attitudes to sex while some characters think of sex as important, even sacred, and not to be entered into lightly. Relationships however are always much more than this. There can be sex and no relationship. There can be a relationship and no sex. There can be a sexual relationship, but the sexual part is the least important aspect of the 'ship'. I'm not interested in the "one night stand" phenomenon beyond the disposable nature of such encounters. I'm far more interested in how the characters feel about each other and how they act towards each other and work/live alongside each other.

As a counterpoint to all the "not really a relationship" bs and the anger I feel over it, I'm going to write some fic (and maybe some meta/character descriptions) addressing sex and relationships in the various orig fic verses I write in. These ficlets might be a little less polished. Some will be canon. Some will be canon that might not appear in the finished product but exist as backstory/character development. A few might not necessarily be canon, but an exploring of potential ideas. All the pieces will have a tag fic series: caras where CARAS is an acronym for Character Attitudes to Relationships And Sex.

*I also have a lot of thoughts about love triangles and having to choose and shilly-shallying back and froth between partners (Pacey/Joey/Dawson of Dawson's Creek is a particularly frustrating example), the bs that you can't be attracted to more than one person at a time, and why we should look at non-monogamous options, but that's a whole other rant and fic series