Asexual Awareness Week – Autochoris, Some Final Thoughts, and Links

[meridian_rose]

Someone said we can't have Ace Pride until we no longer need Ace Awareness, and I think there's some truth to that. We're still met with confusion or derision when we "out" ourselves as on the asexual spectrum. People generally understand terms like gay, lesbian, and bisexual (even if they don't "believe" they do or should exist), but asexuality is still relatively unknown and more misunderstood. It's why awareness week is so important.

I learnt something too this week: Autochorissexualism

From this article:

What exactly is autochoris??
Autochorissexualism is a term coined and described thus by Anthony Bogaert: "A disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal; may involve sexual fantasies, or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein. Commonly found in asexual people; an analogous feeling may occur in aromantic people for romantic fantasies."
Anthony Bogaert has done considerable research into asexuality, and published several books and papers. His short paper/essay on autochorissexualism in particular can be found here

This is something I can relate too and I'm happy to have a label I can use in future when exploring or explaining how I experience attraction, arousal, and fantasies.

Comments Made About Asexuality
Remember on day one I said it was risky to talk openly about asexuality? Well it gets worse the more public the forum is. A largely well written and well received (by the asexual community) series of articles in the Huffington Post attracted not only positive comments but a slew of negativity, leading to this articleThe Comment Section: An Exploration of Negative Remarks on the Huffington Post Series About Asexuality

While marginally less toxic than the comments on most pieces about asexuality, they were still filled with negative comments. Shortly after the series was published, I realized that the volume of comments would make it a good candidate for a case study on the classes and categories of negativity that people spout when they’re faced with asexuality. I wanted to explore what people say, expose why it’s hurtful or wrong, and hopefully give people tools to deal with the same sorts of comments in the future.

The author identified eight themes that the negative comments fell into, and I'm posting them here with the links to the specific sections.

So What? Who Cares!
Nothing Bad Happens
You’re Not One Of Us
It’s All Too Complicated
I Know More About You Than You Do
I’m Not A Doctor, But I Play One On The Internet
Everything’s Political
What About Me? ME ME ME!

"Who cares" is a common retort, one flung at other orientations and gender identities. Who cares? We do. We, who you are calling broken, liars, abusers. Asexuals still need awareness weeks and the LGBT community needs pride celebrations because those people who supposedly "don't care" are ignoring and erasing our lived experiences. Those who truly don't care also don't object to there being discussions around sexuality and gender, and those who do care in a positive way more likely appreciate the discussions.

"It's all too complicated" is another favourite – oh no, someone might need a new term to help them understand themselves and to reach out to others who feel the same way. Or maybe if people would just stop being gay or otherwise weird that would be *so* much more helpful and less confusing /sarcasm. The "too complicated" people either have terms for their gender and orientation that are widely known and/or have no negative connotations, or they have the privilege of never needing them. "Straight" is only necessary in comparison to queer identities, for it is presumed to be the default. Everyone though understands "straight" and it isn't a slur. Again, those of us outside the cis-het "norm" need more terms to better label ourselves and our experiences.

"Nothing bad happens" – well, except for things like:

Issues of marriage equality apply to asexuals, too: “There are still some places that have consummation laws. In these places, a partner who desires sex can legally annul a marriage if the expected intercourse is not allowed or not possible, and this affects sex-repulsed and sex-reluctant asexual people,” Ms. Decker explains.
If a couple admits they don’t have sex, that can have adverse effects on their rights: Immigration officials interviewing a bi-national couple may insist that a real marriage requires sex, while in the case of adoption, as Ms. Decker shares in an anecdote, “an asexual couple reported that they were adopting partly because they did not want to have sex to conceive a child themselves, and they were told they were not eligible to adopt because ‘if you’re asexual, you’re not fit to be married.’”
Spousal rape can also be a problem: “Asexual people are at a much higher risk for being coerced or forced into sex by a partner only to be told that being in a relationship or being married renders them in a constant state of consent and that they, not the assaulting partner, are ‘abusing’ their mate if they withhold sex.” - x, bolding mine

or

we uncovered strikingly strong bias against asexuals in both university and community samples. Relative to heterosexuals, and even relative to homosexuals and bisexuals, heterosexuals: (a) expressed more negative attitudes toward asexuals (i.e., prejudice); (b) desired less contact with asexuals; and (c) were less willing to rent an apartment to (or hire) an asexual applicant (i.e., discrimination). Moreover, of all the sexual minority groups studied, asexuals were the most dehumanized (i.e., represented as “less human”). Intriguingly, heterosexuals dehumanized asexuals in two ways. Given their lack of sexual interest, widely considered a universal interest, it might not surprise you to learn that asexuals were characterized as “machine-like” (i.e., mechanistically dehumanized). But, oddly enough, asexuals were also seen as “animal-like” (i.e., animalistically dehumanized). Yes, asexuals were seen as relatively cold and emotionless and unrestrained, impulsive, and less sophisticated. - x, bolding mine

Or any of the other rape threats thrown at publicly visible asexuals, the constant microagressions, the belittling of asexual lives and relationships that we've touched on already (masturbation isn't real sex, relationships without sexual penetration aren't real). "Bad" is relative and yes, "bad" things happen to asexuals as a direct result of being asexual.

Further Sources:

Post with links to academic papers/studies/print media

What Do You Mean You're Not Interested in Sex?: American Life and Law from an Asexual Perspective, Amanda C. Lee, "An academic and personal exploration of asexuality and the asexual spectrum, this essay focuses on the complexities of human sexuality and sexual orientation and takes a look at how asexuality fits within the broad spectrum of human experience". Free download in various formats - links here

THE INVISIBLE ORIENTATION: An Introduction to Asexuality, Julia Sondra Decker, "nonfiction project about the lesser-known orientation of asexuality. It attempts to shed light on the struggles and experiences of the approximate 1% of the population who lack sexual attraction or sexual inclination toward others, providing information, resources, and tips for both asexual people and those who want to understand them", available in hardcover, audiobook, and Kindle formats - links here

The Big, Fat Polyamorous Asexual Post "If you Google any combination of the words “asexuality” and “polyamory,” most of the results that come up treat the two as diametric opposites, as the two extremes of the relationship style/sexuality spectrum. As a radical relationship anarchist and celibate asexual, I find this amusing but also symptomatic of the challenges facing polyamorous asexuals." An interesting article that I'm still trying to unpack, but which makes some thoughtful points.

Asexuality 101 In case you are still unsure of what asexuality is, or need another link to give to people who are.

Comments

[meridian_rose]

Thanks for the heads up. I think I've fixed all the tags now. It looked okay on the DW version so I didn't notice *headdesk*. That will teach me to at least glance at crossposts!

"If not having sex isn't wrong then how can I be right to have sex?" Which is just weird. But I fundamentally don't understand people who get all teary eyed and ragey with hatred for gay people either. I agree. I don't get it, any of it. Orientation isn't a choice and if you accept that, then it's no use whining that queer people exist.

There's a lot of back and forth about heteromantic asexuals being "queer enough". I don't quite know how I feel about it. If I say I skew aromantic I'm suddenly more queer than if I've had romantic relationships with men? What if I say all my fantasies are heteromantic, or if I discover I'm demiromantic and heterosexual? Or turne out to be demisexual with only male partners? I don't think there are any easy answers here, just that I agree acephobia isn't any way to handle things!

Thank you for reading and commenting. I've crossposted most of this week's meta like crazy but it seems an exercise in futility to actually gain an audience, or at least an audience that acknowledges they're reading.

[itsjustc.livejournal.com]

I decided to open up the conversation of asexuality with two of my best friends over a few glasses of wine recently - there response was 'I think everyone loses a bit of interest when they get older'. I said 'yeah you're probably right', while thinking - 'I never had the interest in the first place when I was younger'!!!

[meridian_rose]

Thanks for reading and commenting :)
I have never had the urge either, though I've definitely developed my own interests/kinks more as I've got older. The "everyone loses some interest" is another part of the "everyone wants sex when they're younger" spectrum of "normality", but at least there weren't outright insults! :)