meridian_rose

So after 2 weeks the engineers came to replace the cables to fix the internet. Because the wifi is patchy, often nonexistent on my pc, and sometimes even the hardwired devices are failing to connect. Early mornings are better (maybe before everyone is online) and times it is cooler and we had some hot weather last week.
And...they said they couldn't fix it because they need to lift the slabs of the path leading from road to back of garden and down garden path to the box where it enters the house, to remove/replace the existing cables without leaving the wires exposed and/or a trip hazard. And they can't lift the slabs. That will require a different team of people. So they could not replace the cable.
:gross sobbing:
It's cooler today and while I could not get Teams to load (not unusual even /with/ good internet - we're moving everything at work to Google, Gmail, etc over the next 2 months which might be a blessing) I have been able to do a bit of catching up on reading at Dreamwidth.
( more personal rambling )

I don't know where February went but it's almost over. And just as I'd started to feel better and draft something for the hc-bingo amnesty I got the sickness bug that's been going around and was laid low for days. And now the writing doubt is back so. Yeah :/

I'm not pariticpating in the current round of therealljidol for various reasons (you can sign up until Wednesday if you'd like to). But I will probably read and vote. There's also scope to write non-voting entries for the prompts. This week's is "I need the struggle to feel alive". And I could not disagree more.

I take pleasure in completion of projects, and overcoming some obstacles. Think of an online game; you can complete tasks, save points, buy upgrades. Or you can pay for the upgrades. Which is more satisfying? The one where you put the work in. But constant struggling is not fun, not satisfying, not rewarding. Working witout achieving success is soul destroying.

Which brings me to apathy.

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference - Elie Wiesel

the worst thing you can do to an author is to be silent as to his works - Samuel Johnson

My NaNo failures continue. I skipped a day yesterday, out for a Christmas Shopping & Meal Out with my sister and a movie on the night with family. I don't regret it but it means my wordcount deficit is now staggering, 10.5k, and if I write nothing today 12k.

I've posted a ficlet and a fic during NaNo, hoping feedback would help inspire me to do more. But no matter how many posts I make, or how much fic I post, or fic promo posts I post, I'm not getting comments on fic, barely any reblogs of tumblr posts. Same for journal entries I make, and comments I leave on entries and on fic; barely any response. I've made an effort to make more posts this month. I've made an effort to leave more comments on fic this month and got responses to less than half.

Apathy cannot kill my creative urge entirely but it can sap it enough that I see no reason to finish anything* or share it publicly, and jfc it's laughable to think about original work when fanfic (even about a popular ship) can't muster up enthusiasm from a built-in audience.**
I'm just feeling down for a few reasons right now, this is just one of them but it's a big one. Writing has always felt like who I am and if that's pointless, it's all pointless.***

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* 2 x 10k fics one in each of those same two fandoms, why bother? Because I made a commitment is all I've got right now.

** cue "oh you should only write for yourself and not care at all about audience"; if I write for myself and myself alone why post? I've got unposted fanfic novellas that are for me. If I'm posting it's because I'm sharing.
If I write you a personal email I'm talking to you, if I make a filtered post I'm talking to a select group of people, if I make a public post I'm saying "I exist, I am here, I have thoughts, I have made this thing, please listen and respond in kind."

*** cue "you should have more REAL interests"; you think real life friends haven't dropped me once they get spouses/kids, you think I should get a partner when society keeps making it clear that asexuals don't deserve relationships because sex is the be-all-and-end-all of partnerships. Or maybe you think my clerking job (which I do enjoy and get some satisfaction from) is a replacement for the desire to create and be heard? I'm tired of being told I should get more "real work"/be an editor/take up *insert non-creative activity here*; I'm looking to succeed in what I love, not do what anyone else thinks I should be doing.

I signed up for the Get Your Words Out (GYWO) challenge at the lowest level ("modest", 150k goal). I mention my progress on the monthly post rounds, but I was going to do an actual halfway point survey last month. Computer issues put a stop to that.

Better late than never, however, here is the midpoint post. I'm going to ramble a little about the challenge and what I'm learning from it, and yes, I'm going to count this as words towards the GYWO because this is an essay.
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