I'm not done with fandom (but maybe it's done with me)

[meridian_rose]

Long venting follows below the cut in which I've finally finished watching DvD, I'm wondering if the DvD fandom is dead, I wonder why the BS fandom is so difficult to connect with, and while I find it hard to ponder a life without a fandom in general, I wonder if fandom is done with me.

I finally finished watching Da Vinci's Demons. The last two episodes, done. I have thoughts and might muster up the energy to write the final two recap reviews with illustrations, as I did for the rest of s3.

I was already feeling down for various reasons and figured my love for this show had survived all manner of canon and fandom and behind the scenes bs, so might as well get it over with. And I don't feel any less in love with the elements I liked or more annoyed by the things that were aggravating already.

But is this fandom now pretty much dead? Aside from Tumblr user vinitrice's fanedits & the ask blogs there are few other fanworks. I have read (and will rec) a new fic on AO3 and have one more to go – and they are lacking in attention, barely any kudos let alone comments. There are a couple of WiPs that I'm waiting to be completed to read.
Last ficlet I posted had zero comments and because it's part of a fic collection I can't tell if anyone visited that chapter. This weekend I posted a fic – 22 hits, zero comments, 1 kudos. That's worse than the recent DvD meta, and it's notoriously difficult to get people to read meta compared to fic.

I've got plenty of DvD WiPs, notably, but not exhaustively;
h/c fic prompt blood loss, eventual Leario, Riario & Vanessa. Almost done, needs to be posted before 31 Dec to claim a bingo line.

Small Fandom Big Bang (SFBB), regency au, Leario. First draft done, 2k short of minimum wordcount, to be posted in April.

Relationship study, Riario/Zo. 7k written so far. Picspam made for bingo prompt. No deadline.

OT3, Riario/Vanessa/Leo. 8k written so far. Posted a version of opening to meet another challenge. No deadline.

There's also the ongoing Immortal AU, Leario. Plus other fics which are little more than ideas/vague outlines/a few scenes at present. All pretty pointless unless I write them with the acceptance they're not going to get interested readers.

Then there is the Black Sails thing - last two fics (featuring most popular ship): 218 hits, 20 kudos, zero comments; 182 hits, 27 kudos, zero comments. Other authors' fics are getting comments, unlike the current DvD issue. Even on Tumblr where I make promo posts for the fic, make graphics for the show, use all the "right" hashtags, I'm making no progress. Unless one of the BNFs reblogs you, it seems you're pretty much wasting your time trying to make connections in this fandom.

I have a SFBB for this fandom too, modern au/medical drama au, Flint/Silver/Miranda, 13k written and nowhere near finished, to be posted in April. Ask me how excited I am about this one now.

All this means I'm starting to feel that I'm not done with fandom but that fandom is done with me.

Is it that I don't write explicit fic? I rarely write explicit sex but I've not had this issue before. I've seen plenty of people admit they skip over sex scenes. But there are plenty of people who only care about porn. Yesterday I saw someone rec some ship fics including some where the shipping was "emotional because [character a] is asexual" and be slapped down for rec'ing "Issue fic crap". Writing a character as gay is okay but writing them as asexual is issue fic?!

Maybe I've peaked and everything I write it is crap now. It doesn't bode well for original works if I can't generate enthusiasm from an audience when writing a popular ship in an active fandom.

I know, you're supposed to only write for yourself. But then why post? Keep it on your hard drive for your eyes alone. I've heard "write for one person" but I don't feel I have a person to write for. (Plus, 300+ Tumblr followers and only 3 people who ever interact with me? It's absurd.)

I'm reading fic and I'm reading journal entries and I'm signal boosting and I'm commenting. I've written a couple of 3 sentence fics for the ongoing fest and left a few prompts. I do have a few more finished other fandom fics and various graphics to post, but it's hard to get truly excited about anything right now.

Maybe I'll feel better after Yule, when the light comes back.
Maybe I'll feel better after the Yuletide fic exchange when you're supposed to leave comments for the authors of your gift.
Maybe I'll feel better when it is the New Year. Or maybe not. Fandom has been part of my entire adult life and I've never felt this ostracised from it. I'm a consumer of fanworks but I'm equally (and to me, more importantly, it's an issue of identity) a writer. But the rise of Tumblr seems to privilege graphics over fiction and popular Tumblr users over everyone else and I cannot compete.

Comments

[capri0mni]

(*Scoots over from Tumblr* [@aegipanomnicorn])

For what it's worth, I've found nothing saps my writing energy like depression and/or grief, and if you don't mind my saying: "but it's hard to get truly excited about anything right now." is one of the hallmark feelings of depression.

Another thing that saps my writing energy is mental exhaustion, particularly when it comes to writing (in my personal experience), and you sure do seem to have been doing a lot of writing, lately, in a whole bunch of fandoms.

It's the dark end of the year, and I swear 2016 has been long enough for two years.

I've never written fanfic, except for dabbling in a paragraph or two with public collaborative stuff, so I can't comment on that, specifically. But I do know that not getting feedback on your work is one of the most disheartening things ever -- it really is like shouting into the abyss.

I hope your feelings of isolation and loneliness turn around soon...

Maybe take a break and make some Yule decorations and deck the halls? I find paper, scissors and glue to be a very therapeutic combination.

*hugs*

[meridian_rose]

Thank you for such a lovely comment.
I've made an updated post in which I did some of your suggestions. Taking a short hiatus. Decorating against the dark winter nights! Also one of the real life tmi things resolved itself, at least for now, and that affected my mood a lot.
Having people leave supportive comments made me feel less isolated, even if I did need to take a break :)
*hugs*

[capri0mni]

Also one of the real life tmi things resolved itself, at least for now, and that affected my mood a lot.

Good! Yes, Real Life TMI things will do that to you.

even if I did need to take a break

You don't need an "even if" here -- "and also" is perfectly valid and good.

[selenicdistance]

I can't really speak to DVD -- although, after glancing at the AO3 section for it, I have to remark that 250-ish fics doesn't seem like...much. Especially for a show that made it through three seasons. Has the fandom always been sluggish?

As for the Tumblr/AO3 popularity thing, though..."write for yourself" has always felt like a pretty useless piece of advice to me. I mean, the moment that made me realize how important writing was to me was when near-complete strangers at a workshop class gave me feedback. So how other people react to your writing is definitely important.

That said, it's really bad for that need for feedback to intersect with the way Tumblr and AO3 often work. No matter how fantastic someone's writing is, that has little to do with how many reblogs or notes they're going to get. And there's no guaranteed path to popularity, which is where those reblogs and notes are going to come from. Not even reblogging and commenting and being-a-good-Tumblr-neighbor will necessarily work, not even in the long term. Sometimes Tumblr just sucks.

As for AO3, smarter people than me have said their pieces on "kudos culture." I'll just say that people not having commented on works that they obviously read doesn't say anything about your work, any more than not being able to attain Tumblr popularity does.

EDIT: Seeing that Summer Glau and Nathan Fillion Serenity header made me smile. Thanks!

[meridian_rose]

Yes, sometimes Tumblr just sucks. I feel like there's some magical path to being a popular blogger that I can't hit on, but probably it's luck and the right niche at the right time.

Aw, I'm glad you like the header! They're so cute in that pic :) I have many fandoms so the header rotates but sometimes it seems to get stuck on one for ages, then *bam* something I've not seen for a while and it's like a little surprise :)

Thank you for commenting, it is appreciated. I took a brief hiatus, I'm now catching up, made a new personal post with more happy things in it :)

[callisto24]

*hugs* I love your fics. With Ao3 it's maybe a problem that I download the fics often to my kindle, enjoy them and totally forget to respond to them. Doesn't mean that I don't love them, it's just inexcusable laziness and I apologize. (To everyone - I do it all around and probably I'm not the only one. That has much to do with the lack of energy I guess and the hope that others are capable of answering better and more profound than I could do it.)
There are some answers to your entry on LJ as well, you certainly said something many people are feeling. I hope you're better soon. This year has been exhausting from the start.

[meridian_rose]

Thank you :)

I know what you mean about downloading. I've started to leave comments now, saying something like "This looks really interesting so I'm downloading it to my e-reader for bedtime reading!" and add the fic to my "save for later" list in the hopes I'll remember to go back and comment again later. A "I loved this"/"I'm marking this to read later" might be the only comment an author gets, which is as important as something more "profound". We all know writers don't want to feel no-one is reading, or that they're reading (hit counts go up) but their work isn't worth a comment, sometimes not even a kudos.
For smaller fandoms and rarer pairings a comment is worth even more, but we all know this and we could all do better, myself included. I do try and privilege leaving comments in smaller fandoms/fics without any comments/new authors as a form of encouragement.

*hugs*

[callisto24]

You're so right and I'll try to do better. Recently I saw that in Ao3 a bunch of new DvD's Fics had been uploaded, but I had no time yet to take a closer look. Hopefully I'll manage during the Holidays. This is really something to look forward to. :) <3

[meridian_rose]

Yes, I've read some and I have a couple left to read - I need to be in the right frame of mind for one of them though given the subject matter. It is nice to have things to look forward to. Hope you are getting some time off to enjoy the holidays :)

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

Damn damn damn. I am SO SORRY you're struggling with these feelings about fandom and fic. I've been there. I know how icky it is. At one point in the Harry Potter 'Verse I just said fuckit and wrote Snape/Hermione because I wanted SOMEONE ANYONE to comment on my writing. Those were thin defeated days.

But that was before I was on LJ and involved in fandom groups. That really did make a difference ten years ago....now...I don't know where fic writers are finding the boost that they absolutely positively need to continue writing and posting. It cannot be done in a vacuum.

Writing for one person is a good technique for finding another like-minded fan and gifting one another with fic and comments and challenges. The trick, of course, is finding that other like-minded soul.

[meridian_rose]

Oh yes, I know I could pick a popular pairing and write terrible, horrible, pwp and it would get comments. But I can't bring myself to do it. *sigh* Sometimes it's hard to keep keeping on and stay true to your own desires but it's that or give up completely.

[dmousey.livejournal.com]

Hey you- don't do this to yourself. Ok? On fandom's and and fanfic, I truly can't comment. I can understand the frustration, however. ( I was searching for an appropriate metaphor but mind went duh.) As far as original works, borrow from your fanfic worlds, change character names, and do you.

You're a writer, and it desn't matter if you're writing a recipe, poem, tweet, fanfic, song, or novel- it is part of you, and no one can change that!

[meridian_rose]

My frustration with original works is that they gain even less attention than fandom works. I'm perfectly happy with what I write in both fandom and original settings, and I put as much effort into a piece regardless of who came up with the characters first! :) It's finding and maintainging audience that's the issue.

It is such a part of me! :) But if I can't *use* it in some way, if I keep my works to myself, it doesn't feel like I'm reaching my potential. It's an ongoing struggle that every creative person knows.

[dmousey.livejournal.com]

Your work/writing is very well done. I haven't read much of anyone's fanfic and I always thought your original posts fascinating and informative. As you've said- the writer's struggle to be read is real, and many creative peeps slam into the wall of self-doubt. It's a crapshoot for all of us.

Just keep doing what you do. You never know when you'll get lucky. Hugs and peace~~~

[dmousey.livejournal.com]

Hey you- don't do this to yourself. Ok? On fandom's and and fanfic, I truly can't comment. I can understand the frustration, however. ( I was searching for an appropriate metaphor but mind went duh.) As far as original works, borrow from your fanfic worlds, change character names, and do you.

You're a writer, and it desn't matter if you're writing a recipe, poem, tweet, fanfic, song, or novel- it is part of you, and no one can change that!

[sansenmag.livejournal.com]

Da Vinci's Demons is not dead. It is buried in the landslide of newer fandoms and overpopulated fandoms (HP and GOT)--is that being too optimistic? But it is frustrating to have that feeling of stagnation, that there are fewer wells of creativity still providing refreshing (as in new) content.

But perhaps there are newcomers to DVD (or any small/obscure fandom) who could view clusters of active members as insular cliques. They could feel wary of dipping their toe or finger into the pool, feeling their swimsuit would be ridiculed for not knowing fandom fashions of small groups. Or having a different sense of fashion. Despondent, they morph into, say, Lurker McLurkingsons, those providers of anonymous kudos on AO3.

I, too, could rant on those who only read fics with X-amount of likes and/or comments. Or only read BNF works. Not that small/obscure fandoms have that BNF plague as much (would definitely be "WTF!?" if I was ever called a BNF). But cliques can be much more visible in them. And more divisive, too.

Fanedits are fun. Fun that is ideally for stimulating discussion, plotbunnies, fanedit responses. But the responses at places like Tumblr and Twitter can make one cynical. Readers--or viewers?--are gerbils trained to click hearts when something turns their eyes into hearts. My DVD-themed Tumblr 520 followers and there is only a small rotation of likers--uh-oh, pessimism is waking up! This only liking/hearting thing is worse when it happens on forums designed for interactions.

Speaking for myself, I have deleted works for online fandoms, large and small, without explanation. Such actions are fueled by offline-oriented events I prefer to not drag into the online spotlight. I compartmentalize my life: family/friends, online/fandom friends. work etc. Of should I say I build firewalls? But my own emotional turmoil, those terrible twins Anxiety and Depression, can drive me to the delete button when I get that deluge where I doubt everything complimentary, observing everything I produced as abominations. I prefer to be seen more as a content-generating conscious abstraction (and not interacting much) then to be defined as something like "an overly sensitive fangirl who needs compliments or she will threaten to leave."

And what, I think, small fandom writers need are more drabbles and sudden fics challenges to maintain, promote and generate interests in fanfics.

[callisto24.livejournal.com]

Icon-love - so cute! <3
Which is your DvD Tumblr-blog? I'm not sure if I already follow it. (Though I have to admit that I'm very bad at commenting and struggling with Tumblr overall.)

[meridian_rose]

"gerbils trained to click hearts when something turns their eyes into hearts." God, yes. I commented about the stupid like button LJ has introduced that we've been trained by FB, Tumblr, even AO3 to some extent, to click the "like" button instead of leaving a comment. It destroys social interaction. Do not want this crap infecting LJ too.

I think every artist needs not so much compliments but interaction. Appreciation, even concrit. I get pissed off at the "why you bitches need compliments/write solely for yourself" crap, because it's only writers who are told this. No-one would expect a stand-up comedian to keep going onstage if no-one laughed, no-one would expect a play to go on performing if only three audience members showed up the first night and no-one applauded, and an art installation with zero guests wouldn't last long.

More drabbles is a good thought and a possibility. I prompt at and promote at things like 3-setence ficathons, the small fandom fests, yuletide exchange, etc where smaller fandoms are welcome or even required. But it's an issue getting people to view anything other than a Tumblr page and write somewhere other than Tumblr - but that's another rant that Tumblr is not meant for fanfic which really ought to be hosted at a journal/AO3/other archive.

[callisto24.livejournal.com]

*sends hugs*
I feel guilty, because I suck at commenting. Nevertheless I'm cheering and bouncing as soon as I am seeing an entry made by you, even if it isn't DvD-related. (More if it is.)
Then I'm too stupid for tumblr and obviously for AO3 as well. Because I didn't know it's possible to comment on a ficlet being part of a ficlet collection. (Therefore I'm one of the people who visited and didn't give sign.)
And I cheered because of the new one but hadn't been able to read because of RL issues, lack of time, and because I wanted to spare it for a moment worth of enjoying it really.
I don't think the DvD Fandom is dead, it's probably more scattered all over the world and not that easy to connect like in other fandoms.
Definitely I'm so, so, so much looking forward to reading your stories and the meta to Season3. I understood you didn't like it as much, but for me it's my favourite season and favourite Leario.
Time runs out again, but I'll return and hopefully respond more to you. Blessings <3

[meridian_rose]

*hugs*
You can only kudos a fic once, but you can comment per chapter/ficlet. It takes time to learn all these things! I will never learn everything about Tumblr, it's too clunky and there's not enough information out there.

There were parts of S3 I liked, including some of the Leario up to episode 6 and Blake's amazing performance, though I have some reservations about how it was handled (to be true to canon if Riario really loved Leo he'd have tried to murder Leo the way he tried to murder Laura and I've had to work past that issue). What I hated was the boring Crusade when we could have had more character interactions, and how quickly the Leario was forgotten about after episode 6 in favour of Sophia, Laura Cereta/Riario, lucrezia/leo, and my NOTP :P
Sometimes show runners have zero idea what the fans are most invested in. *sigh*

[callisto24.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes and yes. :) Episode 6 was awesome and the events around Riario really surprised me. I'm not sure about Laura, though I liked her, but the Crusade had been really strange. I didn't like it either, there were so much stories around they could have dealt with. But I still have hopes, that there will be some more some day.
I really need to re-watch the show in order to find out about Laura and Riarios real love for Leo, I forget so fast about the facts. Maybe because I tend to remember only Riario's eyes. :)
Maybe I'll manage during the holidays. At least I'll try to start.