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meridian_roseThese are some things I was thinking about a while ago, but now I'm spending some more time thinking about my identity and my beliefs about myself, I think they're worth addressing. This is largely me thinking 'out loud' and gets a bit rambly, so if it's not your thing, feel free to move along. Otherwise, I'd be glad to hear your thoughts.
on how self promotion is hard, how free is not the same as worthless, and on why I don't participate in charity auctions
Self-Promotion
Self promotion is hard. At least it is for me. Especially when it comes to artistic pursuits over academic ones; I've no problem listing achievements on my CV, for example, but creative endeavours are another matter.
If I create something for a landcomm challenge, I'll post it at the relevant post and/or in my journal if it's not for voting on. After the challenge, if it's not yet been posted in my journal, I'll probably post it there. In completing the challenge I'm fulfilling a requirement and so I'm doing something expected of me rather than 'blowing my own trumpet'.
If I create something for a prompt fill, I'll post it to my journal and the appropriate comm, as required. This applies to things like![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
100_tales, angst_bingo, smallfandomfest and yuletide.I'm fulfilling a request, and while there might be some expectation of completion where I've laid claim to a prompt, there is no overall sense of responsibility – you can drop out of Yuletide, for example, or just stop completing a bingo card. I didn't choose to do this thing on my own; I was inspired by someone else.
Now here's the hard part. Creating my own materials 'just because' and posting them. Furthermore, taking these, or taking completed prompt fic, and cross posting them. It feels like 'look at me' and I've never been comfortable doing the 'look at me' thing. I'm an introvert who has been frequently bullied and so I prefer to not draw attention to myself unless circumstances require it.
My journal is my space and I feel free to post here. Long stuff, fic, graphics other than thumbnails or sample icons; it all goes under the cut. I tag and I label and I warn, and if you still want to look at an entry, that's now your responsibility. I don't feel any real anxiety about posting at my journal.
FF.net and AO3 also feel somewhat safe, due to the overall anonymity. There's less sense of community at these sites. People will only find your work because they're looking for a particular fandom/theme. There's a sense of making your work available rather than promoting yourself.
But on LJ and DW, cross posting to other comms feels like attention seeking - and of course it is, at a basic level. It's saying, 'look at this thing I've created', be it fic or meta or a playlist or icons or photos of a scarf you've knitted in the Ravenclaw colours. You crosspost because you want to share it with a wider audience. Yes, that is attention. Yes, someone might click on your username and browse through your other journal entries. No, that's not wrong – but it can feel that way.
Of course, as a consumer/audience member, I enjoy so many of these posts. I want to read fic and meta, I want to marvel at the knitting and sewing and hand drawn portraits, I want to discover new music and I want to collect new icons. But as a poster, I still worry about 'attention whoring' when I post to relevant communities.
Value
Why is self promotion hard? Maybe it's an introvert thing. Maybe it's cultural conditioning I've subconsciously absorbed, as a female/Brit/etc. Being humble is a Good Thing - the only problem is, there's a difference between self promotion and bragging, a difference I know is there but find hard to fully accept.
Part of it is about worth and value. Like the majority of creative people I worry that I'm Not Good Enough. In my fantasies, I'm published, and that's OK, because somehow that makes me legitimate*. Which isn't what I think I believe...because what I believe is this:
And how do we measure 'legitimacy' anyway? Is someone an actor when they get a speaking part in a BBC show, or when they're fifth billed in a US blockbuster movie, or when they're the lead in a Broadway show? At what point does the label 'actor' apply? Not just legally, but for the individual in question. Does getting a short story published in an online magazine make you feel like a writer, or do you need a novel on the shelves of Waterstones/Barnes and Noble? How many pieces of art do you need to sell to feel like an artist? If a local band plays your song at the local pub, do you feel like you're a musician, or does it have to be available for downloading at iTunes?
The legitimacy, however you measure it for yourself, says 'you are an artist and your work has value'. This is where a lot of the fanfic/amateur debate about worth comes from: value and worth do not equal financial gain, something we have to debate and discuss over and over again, it seems. When you're trying to sell something, you want to sell it for a fair price - and what is 'fair' is a whole other debate. But sometimes it's not about the money - you create something for the joy of creating it. Just because it's freely available though - in terms of accessibility and cost - it does not mean your creation is worthless. That is, it has inherent, non-monetary, value. Even if sold, the price of the creation may not reflect the true value of the item.
Perception
With me so far? Now I'm going to talk about charity auctions. They're amazing, but I've never had enough money to participate as a bidder, because, quite rightfully, the bids quickly outstrip what I can afford to offer as a donation. But I could participate by offering to create fanworks - only I don't.
This isn't because I'm evil and selfish. It's because I worry about my legitimacy and the value of my work, and the responsibility I'd be taking on by letting someone bid on my work. What if I can't follow through on what I've offered? What if the person doesn't like what I create and they're disappointed? What if I make a fool of myself, giving someone something so terrible that it's laughable? What if...and so on. At some level I do not perceive myself as worthy enough to offer up work that in an indirect way is worth money.
Of course the donation isn't about the value of your work; it's a donation to the charity, and as a thank you, you're giving the donor a unique gift of some sort. Yet at the end of the day, someone has donated maybe one hundred dollars and you're giving them something that - for me, at least - should reflect their level of commitment.
I am a writer. I also make graphics, but I'm not confident enough at this juncture to say 'I am a graphic artist'. We choose our labels, and as such accept certain aspects of ourselves and our creativity, and limit others. As creative people, we are probably our own worst critics. All of our work, whatever form it takes, whatever 'legitimacy' it has, has value in and of itself. Acknowledging that, owning it, using it to force yourself to cross post, or enter art contests, or make an offering at a charity auctions, is the hard part.
*There are some adverts currently airing in the UK for an insurance company in which the sensible salesman tries to give straightforward advice to a range of wacky characters who insist on complicating matters. One man insists on pretending to play golf because it feels more 'business-y', a woman takes Feng Shui too seriously and makes the salesman turn the sofa to face North, while another woman gets upset when she's asked to just imagine that her pet is ill and needs vet treatment - the salesman has to pretend some other person's pet is sick instead.
In the one featured below however, the salesman wants to 'set the scene'; the woman relates to this; she's a writer, unpublished, but her husband says she's a genius.
While some of the adverts are rather amusing, I do think there's an undercurrent of sexism – the man just gets carried away with ideas for marketing that are in opposition to the simplistic approach the company favours, while the women are mocked in terms of their beliefs and the depth of their imaginations and feelings.
It's less offensive than it might be, because the people in the adverts are taking things to an extreme level, making them stereotypes/parodies to be contrasted with the common sense advice of the salesman and, by extension, the insurance firm. They're not meant to be viewed as 'real' people. The writer one though really stood out, because the implication here is clear: she is unpublished and therefore she is not a writer.
on how self promotion is hard, how free is not the same as worthless, and on why I don't participate in charity auctions
Self-Promotion
Self promotion is hard. At least it is for me. Especially when it comes to artistic pursuits over academic ones; I've no problem listing achievements on my CV, for example, but creative endeavours are another matter.
If I create something for a landcomm challenge, I'll post it at the relevant post and/or in my journal if it's not for voting on. After the challenge, if it's not yet been posted in my journal, I'll probably post it there. In completing the challenge I'm fulfilling a requirement and so I'm doing something expected of me rather than 'blowing my own trumpet'.
If I create something for a prompt fill, I'll post it to my journal and the appropriate comm, as required. This applies to things like
100_tales, angst_bingo, smallfandomfest and yuletide.I'm fulfilling a request, and while there might be some expectation of completion where I've laid claim to a prompt, there is no overall sense of responsibility – you can drop out of Yuletide, for example, or just stop completing a bingo card. I didn't choose to do this thing on my own; I was inspired by someone else.Now here's the hard part. Creating my own materials 'just because' and posting them. Furthermore, taking these, or taking completed prompt fic, and cross posting them. It feels like 'look at me' and I've never been comfortable doing the 'look at me' thing. I'm an introvert who has been frequently bullied and so I prefer to not draw attention to myself unless circumstances require it.
My journal is my space and I feel free to post here. Long stuff, fic, graphics other than thumbnails or sample icons; it all goes under the cut. I tag and I label and I warn, and if you still want to look at an entry, that's now your responsibility. I don't feel any real anxiety about posting at my journal.
FF.net and AO3 also feel somewhat safe, due to the overall anonymity. There's less sense of community at these sites. People will only find your work because they're looking for a particular fandom/theme. There's a sense of making your work available rather than promoting yourself.
But on LJ and DW, cross posting to other comms feels like attention seeking - and of course it is, at a basic level. It's saying, 'look at this thing I've created', be it fic or meta or a playlist or icons or photos of a scarf you've knitted in the Ravenclaw colours. You crosspost because you want to share it with a wider audience. Yes, that is attention. Yes, someone might click on your username and browse through your other journal entries. No, that's not wrong – but it can feel that way.
Of course, as a consumer/audience member, I enjoy so many of these posts. I want to read fic and meta, I want to marvel at the knitting and sewing and hand drawn portraits, I want to discover new music and I want to collect new icons. But as a poster, I still worry about 'attention whoring' when I post to relevant communities.
Value
Why is self promotion hard? Maybe it's an introvert thing. Maybe it's cultural conditioning I've subconsciously absorbed, as a female/Brit/etc. Being humble is a Good Thing - the only problem is, there's a difference between self promotion and bragging, a difference I know is there but find hard to fully accept.
Part of it is about worth and value. Like the majority of creative people I worry that I'm Not Good Enough. In my fantasies, I'm published, and that's OK, because somehow that makes me legitimate*. Which isn't what I think I believe...because what I believe is this:
fanfction, unpublished original fic and poetry, unpublished meta, unrecorded music, sketches, painting and other graphics that are not hanging in galleries/printed on greetings cards/adorning websites, and every other 'amateur' creative endeavour is as legitimate as a published novel, top ten hit, or government commissioned sculpture.
And how do we measure 'legitimacy' anyway? Is someone an actor when they get a speaking part in a BBC show, or when they're fifth billed in a US blockbuster movie, or when they're the lead in a Broadway show? At what point does the label 'actor' apply? Not just legally, but for the individual in question. Does getting a short story published in an online magazine make you feel like a writer, or do you need a novel on the shelves of Waterstones/Barnes and Noble? How many pieces of art do you need to sell to feel like an artist? If a local band plays your song at the local pub, do you feel like you're a musician, or does it have to be available for downloading at iTunes?
The legitimacy, however you measure it for yourself, says 'you are an artist and your work has value'. This is where a lot of the fanfic/amateur debate about worth comes from: value and worth do not equal financial gain, something we have to debate and discuss over and over again, it seems. When you're trying to sell something, you want to sell it for a fair price - and what is 'fair' is a whole other debate. But sometimes it's not about the money - you create something for the joy of creating it. Just because it's freely available though - in terms of accessibility and cost - it does not mean your creation is worthless. That is, it has inherent, non-monetary, value. Even if sold, the price of the creation may not reflect the true value of the item.
Perception
With me so far? Now I'm going to talk about charity auctions. They're amazing, but I've never had enough money to participate as a bidder, because, quite rightfully, the bids quickly outstrip what I can afford to offer as a donation. But I could participate by offering to create fanworks - only I don't.
This isn't because I'm evil and selfish. It's because I worry about my legitimacy and the value of my work, and the responsibility I'd be taking on by letting someone bid on my work. What if I can't follow through on what I've offered? What if the person doesn't like what I create and they're disappointed? What if I make a fool of myself, giving someone something so terrible that it's laughable? What if...and so on. At some level I do not perceive myself as worthy enough to offer up work that in an indirect way is worth money.
Of course the donation isn't about the value of your work; it's a donation to the charity, and as a thank you, you're giving the donor a unique gift of some sort. Yet at the end of the day, someone has donated maybe one hundred dollars and you're giving them something that - for me, at least - should reflect their level of commitment.
I am a writer. I also make graphics, but I'm not confident enough at this juncture to say 'I am a graphic artist'. We choose our labels, and as such accept certain aspects of ourselves and our creativity, and limit others. As creative people, we are probably our own worst critics. All of our work, whatever form it takes, whatever 'legitimacy' it has, has value in and of itself. Acknowledging that, owning it, using it to force yourself to cross post, or enter art contests, or make an offering at a charity auctions, is the hard part.
*There are some adverts currently airing in the UK for an insurance company in which the sensible salesman tries to give straightforward advice to a range of wacky characters who insist on complicating matters. One man insists on pretending to play golf because it feels more 'business-y', a woman takes Feng Shui too seriously and makes the salesman turn the sofa to face North, while another woman gets upset when she's asked to just imagine that her pet is ill and needs vet treatment - the salesman has to pretend some other person's pet is sick instead.
In the one featured below however, the salesman wants to 'set the scene'; the woman relates to this; she's a writer, unpublished, but her husband says she's a genius.
While some of the adverts are rather amusing, I do think there's an undercurrent of sexism – the man just gets carried away with ideas for marketing that are in opposition to the simplistic approach the company favours, while the women are mocked in terms of their beliefs and the depth of their imaginations and feelings.
It's less offensive than it might be, because the people in the adverts are taking things to an extreme level, making them stereotypes/parodies to be contrasted with the common sense advice of the salesman and, by extension, the insurance firm. They're not meant to be viewed as 'real' people. The writer one though really stood out, because the implication here is clear: she is unpublished and therefore she is not a writer.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-07 09:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-07 09:24 pm (UTC)Support for creative work is so important. Praise and concrit can encourage you to take more risks, to do better, to be proud, to self promote :D When Pris nudges me about cross posting, I do so :D
It's partly about ownership, I think. If I decide to write a hurt/comfort fic it's on me, I have to own my involvement in it. If I'm fulfilling a prompt that requests 'Darken/Kahlan, Hurt/Comfort', or a prompt in a hurt/comfort bingo card then I'm not as responsible for it, if that makes sense.
Of course, discovering these things about myself means I should address them. Gradually, as and when I can, and with the support of my flist, of course :D
no subject
Date: 2011-06-07 09:53 pm (UTC)Sometimes, I think posting what I've written for a prompt is even harder than something I came up with on my own, because what if I haven't fulfilled the prompter's vision? And, as someone who writes fanfic, everything is 'just because.'
I think of myself as a writer, because I write - for me, that's the only definition that makes sense.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-08 06:33 pm (UTC)I am a writer, just as you say. But in the 'real world' you can't say 'I'm a writer' and have it mean something unless you've been published, or at least that's how it seems to me. I have further thoughts on that, but not right now :D
Good point about fulfilling the prompt; it can be nerve wracking, and the only time I actively insist on a beta reader for my fic is when it's a Yuletide gift or similar, because my giftee deserves the very best I have to offer - which is my best, plus a second pair of eyes for errors and some sound advice. Should I ever get over myself and participate in an auction I would also want my work looked over for the same reason.
For me, though, 'just because' is perhaps more about ownership; me choosing to write dark hurt comfort fic is different to me filling a dark hurt comfort prompt, if that makes sense :D
I feel safe posting stuff like this in my journal - it's not that well frequented, and not directly linked to my real life Facebook, for example - and the same goes for fic; the cross posting is the hard part, though some days I can do it easily and others it's a struggle. But we don't see each other's struggles to post, to cross post, to comment, to write at all, just the end result, so we're all perhaps a bit less bold than we seem :D
And I'm sure you have some great thoughts and interesting stories and fun photos to share when/if you're ready. Some people seem to blog several times a day about their entire lives, others just mention things in passing; some keep separate journals for RL and fic and graphics. I'm happy to subscribe to them all and read what interests me and comment when I have something relevant/supportive to say. It's great for getting to know your flist a bit better, and to get support, or to share your joys :D
no subject
Date: 2011-06-09 04:15 pm (UTC)I do know what you mean about filling a prompt and just coming up with it on my own; especially if it's very dark, with a prompt I know I'm not the only person who thought of this. (Which is why PP is so great - everyone is really open, and I never have to worry that a pairing will be too squicky for anyone to even want to read it.)
Maybe I will be brave enough to post rl stuff someday - I think you're absolutely right about it being good for getting to know people, it's just hard to think the little details of my life are half as important as the character's - if that makes sense ;D
no subject
Date: 2011-06-09 08:02 pm (UTC)