Asexuality and Masturbation part 2
Oct. 28th, 2014 09:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
meridian_roseThis is actually something that comes up a lot, usually in the form of "You don't ever have sex? Well do you masturbate?" and many asexuals are sick and tired of the question. They reason that it's not the questioner's business to start prying into their personal lives at the drop of a hat, any more than they would say "Oh, you're gay, so which of you is the man/the top?"
While I understand the frustration I do think it is an entirely valid question to want to ask. If it is appropriate – you're friends rather than mere acquaintances, say – it's something that can be respectfully addressed. I think the problem is when, if the answer is "yes", it becomes, "Then why don't you want to have sex with a person, it's so much better!" Again, this is like saying "If you like sex with men, wow, you should try having sex with a woman!" Sexual attraction is not a choice you can casually make and that applies across the whole spectrum of sexual orientation.
It should be mentioned that not all asexuals masturbate. Some do even though they find it almost a chore, a necessary way to release unwanted sexual tension. Some do and enjoy it very much. There's a quiz which tries to guess what kind of asexual you are. Fetishist ace is one outcome (the preferred term is kinky, though, as it has less negative connotations), as is self-sexual ace, Demisexual/Gray-A, aromantic asexual, with three other possible outcomes. While the quiz is for fun, it does draw attention to the fact that asexuality is a spectrum that allows for the presence of a sex drive and for various kinds of romantic attraction., as well as the practice of masturbation.
To quote from the AVEN FAQ:
As mentioned in the previous post, masturbation has a number of benefits. In fact,a study found that a "higher desire for masturbation predicted more sexual assertiveness and better sexual self-concept, while frequency of masturbation predicted better sexual self-concept." x
I was having a debate with someone about sexuality, my own, and how I write sex and sexuality. Their insistence was that long distance relationships can't work because of the lack of sex. If your partner is away or becomes ill, I asked, how long do you wait before cheating on them? I never received a direct response, but some dissembling that both partners should agree to an open relationship. Except what if one partner doesn't want their monogamous relationship to be opened – open to potentially deadly sexually transmitted diseases, jealousy and stalking, even pregnancies? Is sex really so important that after some arbitrary time period without it the relationship is considered invalid, and any promises of fidelity made are to be cast aside?
Furthermore, why can't masturbation fill the gap when partners are separated, or between partners, or, even instead of a partner? This last is very important to me, for obvious reasons.
I was also told that masturbation was not enough, and led to suicidal ideation. This was pretty much the last straw. For one thing, do you remember that masturbation reduces depression?
For another, I am asexual. Masturbation is probably the only sex I will ever have. Making it out to be so inferior as to cause you grief is hurtful. What if a bisexual female said to a lesbian, "Ugh, it's been so long since I had sex with a man. I'm having sex with a woman but I feel like stabbing my eyes out afterwards." What are lesbians supposed to take away from this? That the bisexual has issues of internalised homophobia? That lesbian sex is inferior? That lesbian sex is so awful as to want someone to hurt themselves? (This example could be hyperbole, I don't believe that to be the case when masturbation was being criticized.)
Where does this leave me? Should I be left wanting to die because I've given myself pleasure? Ought I to be so disgusted with myself that I can't get a partner? (Of course, according to many, I don't deserve to be in a relationship even if I want one; Dan Savage was clear that asexuals shouldn't inflict themselves on "normal" people - x.) To be honest this has bothered me ever since even though I know damn well it's a ridiculous notion. My motivation for writing this post is to tackle this for my own benefit as well as that of other people. To reinforce what I believe and what is factually true, and to discredit this shaming of anyone not in a sexual relationship with a partner.
Masturbation is only wrong if you subscribe to fundamentalist religions (as discussed yesterday), or buy into social stigma around the relationship hierarchy in which a monogamous heterosexual relationship (with plenty of reproductive sex) is at the top and everything else is a pale imitation. Giving yourself pleasure should not make you feel less or worthless. What kind of society do we live in where someone says masturbation makes them want to die because it's not real sex? What kind of beliefs do you have to hold to feel you're a failure unless some man is sticking his penis in your vagina at regular intervals (or at the least having some woman's fingers penetrate you)?
Even if you are in a sexual relationship, it doesn't mean masturbation does, or should, stop.
Masturbation is about feeling good, and it is pleasure you can experience on your own terms, in your own time. No being pressured into acts you don't want, no worries about taking "too long" to climax, or climaxing too quickly, or not being able to orgasm at all. And for women, you're more likely to orgasm through masturbation than PIV sex; in fact, "Many normal and healthy women only experience Orgasm while masturbating, or find it is their most intense type of orgasm."x
Some asexuals have partner sex. Some don’t. Some masturbate. Some don't. But there's no reason to think asexuals who masturbate are somehow "doing sex wrong" or ought to feel shameful or guilty for giving themselves pleasure.
References
http://asexualeducation.tumblr.com/avenfaq
http://citation.allacademic.com/meta/p_mla_apa_research_citation/5/5/0/4/4/p550444_index.html
http://theconversation.com/happy-news-masturbation-actually-has-health-benefits-16539
http://www.sexinfo101.com/kb_mastlad.shtml
http://writingfromfactorx.wordpress.com/2011/02/14/they-still-dont-care-about-us/
(Because I'm approaching this from a personal angle and drawing on my experiences, there's a lot of gendered language and a focus on being a cis-woman in this article. I acknowledge this, and recognise that your experiences will almost certainly vary)
While I understand the frustration I do think it is an entirely valid question to want to ask. If it is appropriate – you're friends rather than mere acquaintances, say – it's something that can be respectfully addressed. I think the problem is when, if the answer is "yes", it becomes, "Then why don't you want to have sex with a person, it's so much better!" Again, this is like saying "If you like sex with men, wow, you should try having sex with a woman!" Sexual attraction is not a choice you can casually make and that applies across the whole spectrum of sexual orientation.
It should be mentioned that not all asexuals masturbate. Some do even though they find it almost a chore, a necessary way to release unwanted sexual tension. Some do and enjoy it very much. There's a quiz which tries to guess what kind of asexual you are. Fetishist ace is one outcome (the preferred term is kinky, though, as it has less negative connotations), as is self-sexual ace, Demisexual/Gray-A, aromantic asexual, with three other possible outcomes. While the quiz is for fun, it does draw attention to the fact that asexuality is a spectrum that allows for the presence of a sex drive and for various kinds of romantic attraction., as well as the practice of masturbation.
To quote from the AVEN FAQ:
I masturbate. What do you make of that?
Most asexuals are physically capable of sex. Some masturbate and some don’t. Masturbation produces a pleasurable sensation and as such many asexuals choose to use it to take pleasure from their bodies. Many asexuals can only arouse themselves manually (by applying friction to sexual organs), others can turn themselves on with thought.
The distinction between sexual and asexual people is that, if asexuals think about other people during masturbation (many asexuals don’t think about anything specifically sexual) it is only as fantasy. If they actually were given the opportunity to be sexual with that person there would be no attraction, or the drive would be so low as to be completely ignorable.
Some asexuals may be considered autosexual, they have the drive to take pleasure from their own body. Other masturbating asexuals do not have a sexual drive motivating them, they just do it because it’s nice. The common factor is that all asexuals, masturbating or not, have little or no sexual attraction to other people. - x
As mentioned in the previous post, masturbation has a number of benefits. In fact,a study found that a "higher desire for masturbation predicted more sexual assertiveness and better sexual self-concept, while frequency of masturbation predicted better sexual self-concept." x
I was having a debate with someone about sexuality, my own, and how I write sex and sexuality. Their insistence was that long distance relationships can't work because of the lack of sex. If your partner is away or becomes ill, I asked, how long do you wait before cheating on them? I never received a direct response, but some dissembling that both partners should agree to an open relationship. Except what if one partner doesn't want their monogamous relationship to be opened – open to potentially deadly sexually transmitted diseases, jealousy and stalking, even pregnancies? Is sex really so important that after some arbitrary time period without it the relationship is considered invalid, and any promises of fidelity made are to be cast aside?
Furthermore, why can't masturbation fill the gap when partners are separated, or between partners, or, even instead of a partner? This last is very important to me, for obvious reasons.
I was also told that masturbation was not enough, and led to suicidal ideation. This was pretty much the last straw. For one thing, do you remember that masturbation reduces depression?
For another, I am asexual. Masturbation is probably the only sex I will ever have. Making it out to be so inferior as to cause you grief is hurtful. What if a bisexual female said to a lesbian, "Ugh, it's been so long since I had sex with a man. I'm having sex with a woman but I feel like stabbing my eyes out afterwards." What are lesbians supposed to take away from this? That the bisexual has issues of internalised homophobia? That lesbian sex is inferior? That lesbian sex is so awful as to want someone to hurt themselves? (This example could be hyperbole, I don't believe that to be the case when masturbation was being criticized.)
Where does this leave me? Should I be left wanting to die because I've given myself pleasure? Ought I to be so disgusted with myself that I can't get a partner? (Of course, according to many, I don't deserve to be in a relationship even if I want one; Dan Savage was clear that asexuals shouldn't inflict themselves on "normal" people - x.) To be honest this has bothered me ever since even though I know damn well it's a ridiculous notion. My motivation for writing this post is to tackle this for my own benefit as well as that of other people. To reinforce what I believe and what is factually true, and to discredit this shaming of anyone not in a sexual relationship with a partner.
Masturbation is only wrong if you subscribe to fundamentalist religions (as discussed yesterday), or buy into social stigma around the relationship hierarchy in which a monogamous heterosexual relationship (with plenty of reproductive sex) is at the top and everything else is a pale imitation. Giving yourself pleasure should not make you feel less or worthless. What kind of society do we live in where someone says masturbation makes them want to die because it's not real sex? What kind of beliefs do you have to hold to feel you're a failure unless some man is sticking his penis in your vagina at regular intervals (or at the least having some woman's fingers penetrate you)?
Even if you are in a sexual relationship, it doesn't mean masturbation does, or should, stop.
Another common misconception of women is that if they have a partner, they should not feel the need to masturbate. Or if they are single, that masturbating would reinforce their single status; in other words, if they were not single, they would not have to masturbate. So instead of masturbating, some go in search of a partner. This is not the best solution and typically results in unfulfilled desires…
Women with strong sex drives may masturbate frequently, but a woman should not forgo masturbating just because she does not have a strong sex drive. Even if she has no desire for partner sex, she should still enjoy giving herself pleasure. The fact that pre-adolescent girls masturbate proves that hormonally induced sex drives are not the only reason to masturbate; young girls do it for no other reason than it feels good. There is nothing wrong with a woman giving herself pleasure on a daily basis, or as often as she desires.- x
Masturbation is about feeling good, and it is pleasure you can experience on your own terms, in your own time. No being pressured into acts you don't want, no worries about taking "too long" to climax, or climaxing too quickly, or not being able to orgasm at all. And for women, you're more likely to orgasm through masturbation than PIV sex; in fact, "Many normal and healthy women only experience Orgasm while masturbating, or find it is their most intense type of orgasm."x
Some asexuals have partner sex. Some don’t. Some masturbate. Some don't. But there's no reason to think asexuals who masturbate are somehow "doing sex wrong" or ought to feel shameful or guilty for giving themselves pleasure.
References
http://asexualeducation.tumblr.com/avenfaq
http://citation.allacademic.com/meta/p_mla_apa_research_citation/5/5/0/4/4/p550444_index.html
http://theconversation.com/happy-news-masturbation-actually-has-health-benefits-16539
http://www.sexinfo101.com/kb_mastlad.shtml
http://writingfromfactorx.wordpress.com/2011/02/14/they-still-dont-care-about-us/
(Because I'm approaching this from a personal angle and drawing on my experiences, there's a lot of gendered language and a focus on being a cis-woman in this article. I acknowledge this, and recognise that your experiences will almost certainly vary)
