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meridian_roseIt's hard to go one week without coming across a Tumblr post, Youtube comment, or comment on a newspaper article that posits sex as vital and asexuals as (a) liars/sick bastards in need of medicating, and/or (b) incapable of being in a romantic relationship.
Some articles in agony columns will say that sex is not important or is only as important as the individuals in a relationship believe it to be. Others insist sex is really important – that sex is the difference between marriage and being roommates. (Where "fuck buddy" roommates fit in is anyone's guess)
One study found that
That's what interests me most in a 'ship' between friends or romantic partners; aspects like trust and respect, nonsexual intimacies, banter. In ships were the characters are often serious and contained, showing their playful side or their vulnerabilities is a huge turn-on, and shows how important and trustworthy they deem their partner to behave in these ways.
I don't read a lot of PWP even though I often enjoy erotic fiction. For me there has to be some deeper connection, some emotional intimacy if I'm to enjoy reading about a relationship. I'm also interested in various kinks, so lots of touching of hair, or the fact that he's wearing a uniform, or that they're having sex on a desk or in a shower excites me more than basic PIV bedroom sex.
I think the only orig fic PWP I've written was An Intimate Moment, where the couple meet, feel an attraction, and leave the club to have sex. Although even here there was a weighing up of qualities both physical and character wise, before the decision was made.
In fanfic, I try to touch on why the erotic focus is there; in the PWP LotS fic Foreplay I imply for the purposes of the story that Darken is attracted to Richard, but the backstory is already there, his jealousy of his brother, his love of domination and thus having Richard at his mercy. If I'm shipping characters who haven't got a romantic/sexual relationship in canon I usually try to spend some time developing their relationship in ways other than sex before having them jump into bed. I also write threesomes* and touch on things like age-gap relationships, still fairly underrepresented in fanfic.
In original fic, I'm usually writing about relationships that go way beyond physical attraction. Some characters have fairly casual attitudes to sex while some characters think of sex as important, even sacred, and not to be entered into lightly. Relationships however are always much more than this. There can be sex and no relationship. There can be a relationship and no sex. There can be a sexual relationship, but the sexual part is the least important aspect of the 'ship'. I'm not interested in the "one night stand" phenomenon beyond the disposable nature of such encounters. I'm far more interested in how the characters feel about each other and how they act towards each other and work/live alongside each other.
As a counterpoint to all the "not really a relationship" bs and the anger I feel over it, I'm going to write some fic (and maybe some meta/character descriptions) addressing sex and relationships in the various orig fic verses I write in. These ficlets might be a little less polished. Some will be canon. Some will be canon that might not appear in the finished product but exist as backstory/character development. A few might not necessarily be canon, but an exploring of potential ideas. All the pieces will have a tag fic series: caras where CARAS is an acronym for Character Attitudes to Relationships And Sex.
*I also have a lot of thoughts about love triangles and having to choose and shilly-shallying back and froth between partners (Pacey/Joey/Dawson of Dawson's Creek is a particularly frustrating example), the bs that you can't be attracted to more than one person at a time, and why we should look at non-monogamous options, but that's a whole other rant and fic series
Some articles in agony columns will say that sex is not important or is only as important as the individuals in a relationship believe it to be. Others insist sex is really important – that sex is the difference between marriage and being roommates. (Where "fuck buddy" roommates fit in is anyone's guess)
One study found that
"Romantic relationships are, at their core, friendships….benefits come from valuing friendship specifically, rather than any other aspect of the relationship (e.g., the sexual aspect). "
That's what interests me most in a 'ship' between friends or romantic partners; aspects like trust and respect, nonsexual intimacies, banter. In ships were the characters are often serious and contained, showing their playful side or their vulnerabilities is a huge turn-on, and shows how important and trustworthy they deem their partner to behave in these ways.
I don't read a lot of PWP even though I often enjoy erotic fiction. For me there has to be some deeper connection, some emotional intimacy if I'm to enjoy reading about a relationship. I'm also interested in various kinks, so lots of touching of hair, or the fact that he's wearing a uniform, or that they're having sex on a desk or in a shower excites me more than basic PIV bedroom sex.
I think the only orig fic PWP I've written was An Intimate Moment, where the couple meet, feel an attraction, and leave the club to have sex. Although even here there was a weighing up of qualities both physical and character wise, before the decision was made.
It wasn't his blue eyes that attracted her so much as the way they swept the area, assessing it just as she had done when she entered. This was a man who knew where all the exits were, who had positioned himself at the bar where he could use the mirrored glass behind it to check his perimeter, and who held himself with a confidence that suggested he'd been tried, tested and not found wanting. This was prey worth stalking, and if her instincts were correct, the sort who would appreciate the game.
In fanfic, I try to touch on why the erotic focus is there; in the PWP LotS fic Foreplay I imply for the purposes of the story that Darken is attracted to Richard, but the backstory is already there, his jealousy of his brother, his love of domination and thus having Richard at his mercy. If I'm shipping characters who haven't got a romantic/sexual relationship in canon I usually try to spend some time developing their relationship in ways other than sex before having them jump into bed. I also write threesomes* and touch on things like age-gap relationships, still fairly underrepresented in fanfic.
In original fic, I'm usually writing about relationships that go way beyond physical attraction. Some characters have fairly casual attitudes to sex while some characters think of sex as important, even sacred, and not to be entered into lightly. Relationships however are always much more than this. There can be sex and no relationship. There can be a relationship and no sex. There can be a sexual relationship, but the sexual part is the least important aspect of the 'ship'. I'm not interested in the "one night stand" phenomenon beyond the disposable nature of such encounters. I'm far more interested in how the characters feel about each other and how they act towards each other and work/live alongside each other.
As a counterpoint to all the "not really a relationship" bs and the anger I feel over it, I'm going to write some fic (and maybe some meta/character descriptions) addressing sex and relationships in the various orig fic verses I write in. These ficlets might be a little less polished. Some will be canon. Some will be canon that might not appear in the finished product but exist as backstory/character development. A few might not necessarily be canon, but an exploring of potential ideas. All the pieces will have a tag fic series: caras where CARAS is an acronym for Character Attitudes to Relationships And Sex.
*I also have a lot of thoughts about love triangles and having to choose and shilly-shallying back and froth between partners (Pacey/Joey/Dawson of Dawson's Creek is a particularly frustrating example), the bs that you can't be attracted to more than one person at a time, and why we should look at non-monogamous options, but that's a whole other rant and fic series
Re: Dragons!
Date: 2013-10-21 04:39 pm (UTC)I have logged a request with Dreamwidth for someone to contact me regarding walking me through the posting process. I had help with posting works in AO3, and it was most empowering. I do better by being shown how to do something. I appreciate the lesson in American vs UK pronunciation. I'm afraid most of my education comes from watching UK television, which is no doubt fraught with misinformation. Oddly, I pronounce "herbs" without the leading H. I am from the city of Pittsburgh, which is notorious for its distinctive accent. A true Pittsburgher uses the term "Yinz", which is the plural form of "you", as in "Where yinz going?" It is variously spelled "youns", but "yinz" is the phonetically accurate spelling. In fact, Pittsburghers are also known as "Yinzers." I myself don't use "yinz", but my speech is an amalgam of various accents which I have picked up. Another distinct Pittsburghese is the pronunciation of the "ou" sound. It's very harsh. For instance, the word "shower" would be pronounced like "shire." (one syllable, not "shi er".) "Flower" would sound like "flire." Dead giveaway of a Pittsburgh origin. Again, I don't typically use this pronounciation, but I plead guilty to being from the area of Pittsburgh known as "Sah Side." (South Side) Like other eccentric people, we are fiercely proud of our city, our accent, our values and our sports teams. Pittsburghers are the kind of people who, if it were 5:30 AM on a freezing morning in January and your car won't start, someone would come out and jump your battery. Many immigrants settled in Pittsburgh during the late 19th century to work in the steel mills and other manufacturing plants which cropped up here. Outside the factories, there were many ethnic churches (Eastern European, predominantly) and as many bars and taverns as churches. Real dichotomy! My father spoke Ukranian at home and learned English on the street from his friends. Sadly, he forgot his bilinguality and I never learned it. Looking forward to your blogs on Asexual Awareness, and salute you during this week.
"Corrective Rape"? What a hideous concept! The world, full of trolls, can be a scary place, no? There is an American singer named Paula Cole, who in addition to being a talented chanteuse and songwriter and beautiful woman, chose not to shave her underarms. She got an ungodly amount of hate mail about this, with "corrective rape" being among the sentiments expressed. Just because she doesn't shave her armpits? In all honestly, she really did seem to make an unnecessary show of her underarms by wearing sleeveless clothes and taking great care to lift her arms and expose her pits more than one would have thought necessary during performances, but still... It's just armpit hair! What is it about someone being different that makes some people so affronted and enraged?
I am so grateful for your continuing correspondence with me. <3
Date: Mon, 21 Oct 2013 15:11:03 +0000 From: dw_null@dreamwidth.org To: marymehl@hotmail.com Subject: Re: Dragons! [ meridian_rose - 383771 ]
meridian_rose replied to a comment you left in a Dreamwidth entry "Fiction vs Social Attitudes to Relationships And Sex". The comment they replied to was: I was hard at work on a note to you regarding your post that you were working on more Dragons stories when I apparently hit a wrong key and my note vanished. Lord help me, I am just not meant for 21st century technology. Maybe the Luddites were right. I get the impression that you have been treated very unkindly by certain others because of your asexuality. How dare they? How dare anyone question your choices? How are you harming anyone? Why would anyone react so cruelly to another human being? The worst thing that every happened to me in cyberspace was being called an asshole by an hysterical (affection for your UK sensibilities. As an American, I would have typed "a hysterical") Michael Bolton fan when I expressed surprise at his attempt to sing "Nessun Dorma".(Yes, the Pavarotti signature aria!) To so harshly challenge anyone over what is a very intimate and personal choice is unthinkable. Diversity is so precious and exciting.
I hope to soon post some of my poems to my journal, for your eyes only. These are works of my deepest soul and I would only entrust them to your tender care.
The reply was:
Subject: Re: Dragons! Thankfully I haven't had too many personal attacks but general social attitudes impact on me, and bloggers who speak out more publicly have received "corective rape" threats - what a world we live in that there's a need for a phrase like that :( In fact it's Asexual Awareness week so I'm going to blogging on the topic for 3-4 posts this week depending on how much material I write for it!
Actually I'd say "a hysterical" because we pronounce the 'h' as we do in "herbs" and "hotel" - but not "hour" :) At least your experience wasn't too bad :D Diversity is indeed precious :D
I'll look forward to seeing your posts - you can post just to your "circle" ie people subscribing to you, which is only me right now :) If you get more followers later you can learn about filters which display only to certain of your followers/subscribers :) From here you can:
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