Asexual Awareness Week Links
Oct. 30th, 2016 07:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
meridian_roseI wanted to get this up earlier and perhaps slightly better formatted but I've been sick and getting posted on the last day of Asexual Awareness Week 2016 will have to suffice.
For Awareness week this year I posted meta and reblogged some information posts at Tumblr.
And here's some interesting articles I've gathered throughout the past year.
Asexuality Is a Sexual Orientation, Not a Sexual Dysfunction
"[The researchers] conclude that asexuality does not appear to be a psychiatric condition, a symptom of a psychiatric condition, or a disorder of sexual desire. Instead, it seems to meet most of the criteria for classification as a distinct sexual orientation."
There’s Nothing Wrong With Being Asexual
"Dr. Brotto’s review suggests that, no matter how perplexing people may find asexuality, there’s no reason to question its legitimacy or its normality.
For one, Brotto has previously found that there’s a fairly stark difference between asexuality and true forms of sexual dysfunction."
Fear of Sex
As an asexual person who does not desire sex and actively does not want to have sex, and plans to never have sex, I am of course frequently asked The Question: “Well are you AFRAID of sex?”
It’s kind of a good question, I guess, but at the same time, the following is generally expressed or implied: “… Because if you’re AFRAID of sex, that means you have a PROBLEM.”
And that’s where I disagree…
I live in a world that aggressively pushes its values about sex onto me, and sometimes those values are contradictory (e.g., I’m supposed to save it for the one I love if I’m a “good girl,” but being a “good girl” means I’m obsessed with purity and I need to get over myself, and also must be suffering and denying myself pleasure, etc.). As an able-bodied non-religious cis white woman in the West, I have a different set of expectations about sex than people of different genders, ability palettes, races, orientations, religious upbringings, and national origins, and no one at any intersection is free of expectations about how they should have sex. I know how mine have affected me. And I know that “fearing sex” isn’t just about fearing the sex act.
Turtle
"Let me tell you something very truthful. You’re as sexually attractive to me as a turtle. Sorry, but there you are. Why is that, I hear you ask? Well, I’m glad you asked. I’m asexual.
Why do I feel the need to tell you this? Mostly because it’s a part of who I am, and partly because I recognise the minority status of asexuality. It’s also possible – very possible, in fact – that many people don’t know what asexuality is, and I wanted to talk about that. However, I think I’ll tackle that side of things in a different blog; right now, I wanted to talk about the “coming out” process and why it’s so important to do."
Most Asexuals Don’t Want to Fuck You.
"The vast majority of asexuals do not want to fuck you. Ever. Even if they’re romantically in love with you. Even if they think you’re cute. Some sex-indifferent asexuals are willing to fuck you, in order to keep you as romantic partners, but if they could have a romantic nonsexual relationship, they would choose that in a heartbeat. "
Meaningless Identity
"What is the purpose of identifying oneself as asexual or aromantic?
I’ll tell you mine. I am a person who does not experience sexual attraction, who doesn’t have an innate need for partnered sex, who doesn’t experience romantic attraction, and who does not have an innate need or desire for romantic relationships.
When I started identifying as asexual—and later, as aromantic—I did so because I thought that this was the most reasonable thing to do, that these terms most accurately described who and what I am. I wasn’t just someone who consciously chose not to have sex; I was someone who didn’t feel sexual toward other people at all. I wasn’t just someone who chose to stay single; I was someone who felt no romantic feelings and no involuntary desire for romantic relationships. I am still that person."
Would it be possible for you to address the ace discourse and the cause of all of it? How do you feel? Are our issues valid? I'm starting to question if my asexuality is valid. And people want to label me as straight.
Your issues are valid. The words you choose to describe your orientation are valid until you decide something else works better. Your community is valid. Your life is valid… Our community is not the asshole new kid barging in with straight privilege demanding to be catered to. We want people to understand that our orientation isn’t as simple as a choice, that it’s not a perversion, that our relationships are different and we still deserve to have love and support on our terms, that sometimes mainstream options for health care and mental health and counseling and adoption and dating and marriage aren’t available to us, that our loved ones sometimes threaten and hurt and mock us until we lose our safe spaces, that we’re frequently villainized or absent in media, that we may have felt disgusting and lost in the world until we found mirrors in our communities.
And all of those things should sound very, very familiar to any queer person.
Sex is Not a Vitamin
So we kick around all these phrases like “sex is not a universal need” and “sex can’t be something you owe someone” and “nobody’s entitled to sex with you” and all that, and although I agree wholeheartedly, I think I’ve noticed a blindspot — or at least, an angle that could use more emphasis. Regardless, it’s good to practice saying it more, and I think more people need to hear this.
*takes a deep breath*
Sex is not necessary healthcare. Sex is not inherently “healthy” the way vitamins and omega-3s are. Your partner does not need sex the way a plant needs water. They’re not going to wilt and die on you for lack of sex.
Partnership, Desire, Desirability, and the Sex-as-Worth Principle
Aside from the cultural knitting together of sexuality and personhood & sex and goodness, there’s this ‘common sense’ principal which seems to haunt anyone who wants romance or primary partnership and not sex, which is: “love means sex, and if you really cared about them, you’d have sex with them.” Don’t want to? Not good enough. That proves you don’t really love them. Too repulsed? Can’t for other reasons? If you really cared about them, you’d get over that and do it anyway, to please your partner (tw: abuse at the link), or else that proves your love is lesser than it would be otherwise.
What it's like to be in a loving, sexless relationship
Sex and relationship therapist Cyndi Darnell said it was only in the last 10 years that researchers had even begun to try to understand [asexuality].
"We don't even understand heterosexuality especially well, we think we do because we tend to use heterosexuality as the default setting ... but the reality is that human sexuality has always been very diverse, it's just that the field of sexology is relatively new," she said.
Why don’t I want to have sex? You asked Google – here’s the answer
"Whether people are asexual, working through trauma, or simply taking a break from sex, there are plenty of reasons to be thinking about other things in life. In the vast majority of cases, not wanting to have sex isn’t evidence of a pathological problem that needs to be cured, and it’s nothing to be unhappy about."
Asexual Myths
When Someone Learns a Word, But It Will Take a Lot for Them to Grasp the Concept It Describes
Asexual Representation on Sirens (& maybe implied aromantic representation? Maybe?)
Asexuality, a Fixed and Fluid Orientation: The Emerging Identity (research project)
And there's this, not truly an asexual piece and from an asexual perspective perhaps more demisexual than completely asexual, but gloriously and unapologetically revelling in intimacy that does not involve sex.
"For me, sharing sex with someone requires a certain alignment, and I do not take that lightly. My sex requires that I can possibly foresee living with a person and combining all my stuff with all of their stuff (and I mean physical, emotional, cognitive and spiritual stuff—the stuff that just feels heavy if it’s not the right fit, but feels buoyant beyond imagination when it is). It is delicate, it is careful, it is not presumptuous or impulsive.
And I do not think that our connection is somehow weakened because we do not share our bodies with each other.
For love is love is love is love, and that is what I want."
Source: Can We Be Lovers & Not Have Sex? Via Brentan Schellenbach
For Awareness week this year I posted meta and reblogged some information posts at Tumblr.
And here's some interesting articles I've gathered throughout the past year.
Asexuality Is a Sexual Orientation, Not a Sexual Dysfunction
"[The researchers] conclude that asexuality does not appear to be a psychiatric condition, a symptom of a psychiatric condition, or a disorder of sexual desire. Instead, it seems to meet most of the criteria for classification as a distinct sexual orientation."
There’s Nothing Wrong With Being Asexual
"Dr. Brotto’s review suggests that, no matter how perplexing people may find asexuality, there’s no reason to question its legitimacy or its normality.
For one, Brotto has previously found that there’s a fairly stark difference between asexuality and true forms of sexual dysfunction."
Fear of Sex
As an asexual person who does not desire sex and actively does not want to have sex, and plans to never have sex, I am of course frequently asked The Question: “Well are you AFRAID of sex?”
It’s kind of a good question, I guess, but at the same time, the following is generally expressed or implied: “… Because if you’re AFRAID of sex, that means you have a PROBLEM.”
And that’s where I disagree…
I live in a world that aggressively pushes its values about sex onto me, and sometimes those values are contradictory (e.g., I’m supposed to save it for the one I love if I’m a “good girl,” but being a “good girl” means I’m obsessed with purity and I need to get over myself, and also must be suffering and denying myself pleasure, etc.). As an able-bodied non-religious cis white woman in the West, I have a different set of expectations about sex than people of different genders, ability palettes, races, orientations, religious upbringings, and national origins, and no one at any intersection is free of expectations about how they should have sex. I know how mine have affected me. And I know that “fearing sex” isn’t just about fearing the sex act.
Turtle
"Let me tell you something very truthful. You’re as sexually attractive to me as a turtle. Sorry, but there you are. Why is that, I hear you ask? Well, I’m glad you asked. I’m asexual.
Why do I feel the need to tell you this? Mostly because it’s a part of who I am, and partly because I recognise the minority status of asexuality. It’s also possible – very possible, in fact – that many people don’t know what asexuality is, and I wanted to talk about that. However, I think I’ll tackle that side of things in a different blog; right now, I wanted to talk about the “coming out” process and why it’s so important to do."
Most Asexuals Don’t Want to Fuck You.
"The vast majority of asexuals do not want to fuck you. Ever. Even if they’re romantically in love with you. Even if they think you’re cute. Some sex-indifferent asexuals are willing to fuck you, in order to keep you as romantic partners, but if they could have a romantic nonsexual relationship, they would choose that in a heartbeat. "
Meaningless Identity
"What is the purpose of identifying oneself as asexual or aromantic?
I’ll tell you mine. I am a person who does not experience sexual attraction, who doesn’t have an innate need for partnered sex, who doesn’t experience romantic attraction, and who does not have an innate need or desire for romantic relationships.
When I started identifying as asexual—and later, as aromantic—I did so because I thought that this was the most reasonable thing to do, that these terms most accurately described who and what I am. I wasn’t just someone who consciously chose not to have sex; I was someone who didn’t feel sexual toward other people at all. I wasn’t just someone who chose to stay single; I was someone who felt no romantic feelings and no involuntary desire for romantic relationships. I am still that person."
Would it be possible for you to address the ace discourse and the cause of all of it? How do you feel? Are our issues valid? I'm starting to question if my asexuality is valid. And people want to label me as straight.
Your issues are valid. The words you choose to describe your orientation are valid until you decide something else works better. Your community is valid. Your life is valid… Our community is not the asshole new kid barging in with straight privilege demanding to be catered to. We want people to understand that our orientation isn’t as simple as a choice, that it’s not a perversion, that our relationships are different and we still deserve to have love and support on our terms, that sometimes mainstream options for health care and mental health and counseling and adoption and dating and marriage aren’t available to us, that our loved ones sometimes threaten and hurt and mock us until we lose our safe spaces, that we’re frequently villainized or absent in media, that we may have felt disgusting and lost in the world until we found mirrors in our communities.
And all of those things should sound very, very familiar to any queer person.
Sex is Not a Vitamin
So we kick around all these phrases like “sex is not a universal need” and “sex can’t be something you owe someone” and “nobody’s entitled to sex with you” and all that, and although I agree wholeheartedly, I think I’ve noticed a blindspot — or at least, an angle that could use more emphasis. Regardless, it’s good to practice saying it more, and I think more people need to hear this.
*takes a deep breath*
Sex is not necessary healthcare. Sex is not inherently “healthy” the way vitamins and omega-3s are. Your partner does not need sex the way a plant needs water. They’re not going to wilt and die on you for lack of sex.
Partnership, Desire, Desirability, and the Sex-as-Worth Principle
Aside from the cultural knitting together of sexuality and personhood & sex and goodness, there’s this ‘common sense’ principal which seems to haunt anyone who wants romance or primary partnership and not sex, which is: “love means sex, and if you really cared about them, you’d have sex with them.” Don’t want to? Not good enough. That proves you don’t really love them. Too repulsed? Can’t for other reasons? If you really cared about them, you’d get over that and do it anyway, to please your partner (tw: abuse at the link), or else that proves your love is lesser than it would be otherwise.
What it's like to be in a loving, sexless relationship
Sex and relationship therapist Cyndi Darnell said it was only in the last 10 years that researchers had even begun to try to understand [asexuality].
"We don't even understand heterosexuality especially well, we think we do because we tend to use heterosexuality as the default setting ... but the reality is that human sexuality has always been very diverse, it's just that the field of sexology is relatively new," she said.
Why don’t I want to have sex? You asked Google – here’s the answer
"Whether people are asexual, working through trauma, or simply taking a break from sex, there are plenty of reasons to be thinking about other things in life. In the vast majority of cases, not wanting to have sex isn’t evidence of a pathological problem that needs to be cured, and it’s nothing to be unhappy about."
Asexual Myths
When Someone Learns a Word, But It Will Take a Lot for Them to Grasp the Concept It Describes
Asexual Representation on Sirens (& maybe implied aromantic representation? Maybe?)
Asexuality, a Fixed and Fluid Orientation: The Emerging Identity (research project)
And there's this, not truly an asexual piece and from an asexual perspective perhaps more demisexual than completely asexual, but gloriously and unapologetically revelling in intimacy that does not involve sex.
"For me, sharing sex with someone requires a certain alignment, and I do not take that lightly. My sex requires that I can possibly foresee living with a person and combining all my stuff with all of their stuff (and I mean physical, emotional, cognitive and spiritual stuff—the stuff that just feels heavy if it’s not the right fit, but feels buoyant beyond imagination when it is). It is delicate, it is careful, it is not presumptuous or impulsive.
And I do not think that our connection is somehow weakened because we do not share our bodies with each other.
For love is love is love is love, and that is what I want."
Source: Can We Be Lovers & Not Have Sex? Via Brentan Schellenbach
no subject
Date: 2016-10-31 04:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-11-01 12:30 pm (UTC)See this story from a trans man who is still asexual after all the hormone treatment.
https://thenib.com/nothing-wrong-with-me?t=default
no subject
Date: 2016-11-01 06:25 pm (UTC)I did need my hormones fixed for sure (not to mention other bits) and the result was interesting!
Don't get me wrong- I fully accept that people are who they are- after all, I had to fight rather hard for that bit.
no subject
Date: 2016-11-06 09:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-11-07 06:47 pm (UTC)