Looking Back and Looking Forward

[meridian_rose]

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Looking back over the year there were some tough times. But I found a part time job. I set up my professional blog and associated sites. I won NaNoWriMo. I wrote original fic and fanfic and found people willing to help beta my first novel. I have accomplished more than I would have thought possible last year. When I start whining about how difficult everything is and how I'm a failure and will never accomplish anything, remind me of all the things I did accomplish within the space of a few months.

Going forward I want to do more with the blog, update it more regularly. However I still want my main focus to be on fic writing so that will take priority over other blog posts. I want to continue to journal because the LJ/DW community can still be a strong and supportive one. I will continue to write fanfic and screw anyone who thinks it is a waste of time.

I do however need to work on being more productive overall. I've learnt a lot about how I work best and I need to use those lessons to do better.

I'd dearly love this to be the year I finally self-publish my first novel.

I also want to, as someone put it, "get over myself". They were talking about how they regretted not nominating a fandom for Yuletide because it is a kid's show, but next year they wanted to nominate it.

I want to tackle more of the things I want to write, fic and fanfic and meta, without shying away from things. I want to get over myself and acknowledge my own kinks and desires and interests and write about them, even if they're sometimes controversial or less popular. Or they're popular but I find myself embarrassed about the idea of writing them.

I know I already write things that other people veer away from, or rarely write. It still amazes me that given the explicit sex scenes found frequently in fanfic, masturbation rarely gets mentioned, and I'm happy to participate in the Merry Month of Masturbation and write other self-pleasure scenes "just because". I write about asexuality during Asexual Awareness Month despite past bad experiences, and I include asexuality when it's right for a fic or a character. I write childfree women because there is a dearth of such characters.

I write these things because I'm tired of seeing asexuality and childfree people portrayed as unable to be loving and compassionate, and if I have any talent then I should not only write what I want, but about the things that most speak to me, and in particular those things that other people want but don't necessarily have access to.

So if I can blithely write Cesare/Lucrezia fic, female protagonists who don't want children ever, and include asexual characters as valued friends/family members, then maybe I can get over myself and write my own kinks, write the "darker" topics and controversial meta. Write the guro, write the rpf, write the specifics that I enjoy when I write a sex/sensual scene.
I know when I indulge myself looking for fic or other material relating to my desires I'm always glad to find it even if I can only bring myself to leave guest/anon kudos because somehow I'm more embarrassed about *this thing* than *that thing*. I'm glad people are providing these things, and therefore it seems ridiculous to feel ashamed of enjoying them or to think about creating them myself.
But I'm working on it, and I'm going to try and work on it. Controversial/dark/embarrassing for one person is not the same as for another, and if I can remember that, maybe I can develop a more laidback approach to tackling these "sensitive" things.

That said, I've had two LJ friends in the last three months or so be targeted at AO3 for harassment. If I put myself out there more, there's a risk of attracting abuse. I'm not good at handling conflict, so that's something to consider. Not to let it stop me, but to be prepared for, I suppose. As I mentioned, I have had bs thrown at me for being asexual, and I've survived that, though there's an element there of "I can't choose to be other than this way" that makes me dig my heels in and refuse to be belittled about it.

I hope you all have things you can think of to be proud of from 2015, things you accomplished, things you got through even though they were hard and difficult. I hope you can find goals that are right for you and I wish you well in fulfilling them. Let's hope 2016 has more 'ups' than 'downs'.