Asexual Awareness Week – day four

Day Four - the problem of positioning sex as a "natural" and "inevitable" part of adulthood

Why Calling Sex “Natural” and “Healthy” is Problematic, Even if the Sex is Consensual
Not an anti-sex piece but one that points out things like "Framing disinterest or dislike of sex as inherently abnormal, unhealthy, unnatural, etc directly supports compulsory sexuality and compulsory sexuality operates in favor of rape culture." And by doing so "You’re putting sex-repulsed rape/assault survivors into a really shitty position; even if their sex-repulsion can be dissolved through therapy or other means, they do not need to jump back into having sex at any point, against their personal comfort level, just to prove that they’re “healthy.”" With the conclusion that

There is nothing natural or unnatural about any given sex habit. And how “healthy” sex or celibacy is, is a hell of a lot more complicated than one being healthy and one being unhealthy.

(A)sexuality in the Anime, Gungrave is a fantastic post in which, as well as looking at the specifics of a particular fandom, the author looks at our society's attitudes to sex and asexuality, finding that "contemporary Western society's default attitudes toward sex reflect three main beliefs [The Allegory of Love, Freudianism, Sin], all of which place sex in a position of preeminent importance to human life." The post also has a great section on virginity which is overwhelming seen as an illness or immaturity in society and fiction:

1) Sex=adulthood, so virginity=childishness. See, for example, on Buffy Xander's reply to Andrew's Star Warsian ramblings that he's obviously never had any sex …
2) Virginity=neurosis/illness. Thank you, Freud. John Mack, whom I love, deploys this one against T. E. Lawrence. The idea is that anyone who has normatively surmounted the Oedipal whatevers will become a normatively sexually active young adult; therefore, anyone "of a certain age" who is not sexually active must be socially unaccepted, sexually traumatized, hormonally ill, etc.
3) Virginity=mystical innocence. We still see this one around in high fantasy, surrounding the mystical properties of virgins that make them attractive to dragons, vampires, etc. (Confer "childishness.")
4) Virginity=frigid bitterness. This, of course, is mostly deployed against women, though there's probably a home for Snape in here.

In Claiming My Asexuality the author rejects this idea of permanent adolescence, a lack of wholeness:

I am not a void waiting to be filled. I am not a child waiting to grow up. I am complete, whole—and asexual.

She also addresses the question of sexual drive vs sexual attraction, saying that many people ask of her

“Do you masturbate?” (As if it were anyone’s business—but the question proves that most people think there is a necessary link between sexual drive—an internal thing felt within the self—and sexual attraction—something felt for another. It’s as if those asking this question were checking to see if my sexual drive were faulty, if maybe that was my reason for lack of attraction and experience.)

The social construct of virginity has a lot of the blame here. Framing a woman's body as something to be kept pure but only until her husband can penetrate it and mark it as his, removes a woman's inherent worth as a person with bodily integrity and interests beyond marriage*. Framing a man as pathetic unless he's had sex (40 year old virgin trope) suggests that sexual intercourse is the only way to prove manhood and adulthood, meaning that if a man wants sex and is having problems finding a partner, then, theoretically, committing rape is better than remaining virginal. People who don't have sex are dishonouring their spouses if they have them, or childish freaks if they don't. More on prejudice against asexuals tomorrow.

*As a minor aside this article points out that
Purity culture and rape culture are two sides of the same coin. Prior to marriage, women are instructed that they must say no to sex at every turn, and if they do not they are responsible for the consequences. This method of approach—“always no”—creates situations in which women are not equipped to fully understand what consent looks like or what a healthy sexual encounter is. When the only tool you’re given is a “no,” shame over rape or assault becomes compounded—because you don’t necessarily understand or grasp that “giving in” to coercion or “not saying no” isn’t a “yes.”