Asexual Erasure & Insults

[meridian_rose]

Rarely does a week go by without my seeing an article that talks about sex, and how someone is not happy they are not getting enough of it. Regardless of the tone of the article however, there is the horror of the comment section.

There'll be some sensible comments.

There'll also be hordes of apparently sex-mad commentators who are keen to insist that there is no pleasure compared to that of using someone else's body to gratify your needs. That someone who isn't being fucked isn't worthy of existing, let alone being in a relationship.

If someone isn't having sex with you? Dump them. You've been together five years? Still dump them. You really love them and you've got a child together? Dump them anyway.

This week it's this article, in the Guardian

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/jan/25/my-partner-refuses-to-have-sex-with-me
" My partner won’t have sex with me, as the result of a past trauma. He is obsessed with, and terrified of, getting me pregnant, because of a past relationship. I’ve tried everything, but I am desperate. I cannot go on with him without sex. I love and want him."

There are some good comments about how sex isn't all penis in vagina, that relationships are more than sex, have they tried therapy, etc. People talking about their traumatic experiences and sexual issues. Asexuality is raised by a couple of people as a possibility.

Other people think he's abusing her by withholding sex. They just want her to dump him. They suggest that he's gay or bisexual and therefore needs therapy and/or to be dumped.

"when a man likes you, he will walk over hot coals to be with you and sleep with you."
Okay then…that's the same commentator though who derides any non-penetrative sex suggestions as "starters", the prawn cocktail before the main course. What a delightful person they seem to be.

"Sex is the ultimate physical manifestation of the love you hold for someone,"
At least someone helpfully replies " Your mother?"
What do you want to bet the OP has screwed someone he isn't currently in a relationship with? How did the ultimate manifestation thing work out?
Can we stop with the sex=love equation?

Some people suggests he gets sterilised, which seems a no-brainer to me. The first comment to mention sterilisation however had another commentator reply that the man's parents ought to have been sterilised (this comment has since been deleted by a moderator) Let's be clear. They were saying that because the man is not fucking his partner he does not deserve to exist.

If you think asexuals do not experience discrimination, erasure, or hate, just read the comments on any article, in any newspaper, when someone mentions a reduction or lack of sex in their life.

It's hurtful. But I'm more angry than sad. I did not choose this. It is not celibacy. It is my orientation as much as if I were a lesbian or a gay man. And those comments that mention asexuality in a positive light, those people who know that lasting relationships are not built on sex, those give me hope.

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This article was originally posted to my WordPress account: https://lmdee.wordpress.com/2016/01/25/asexual-erasure-insults/

I'll add here that while I am more angry than sad, it's not the best start to a Monday to be told your sole purpose in life is to be someone's fucktoy.

I'm currently working on a polyamory fic, which may never be finished. A is having sex with B sometimes. B has just started having sex with C. A has feelings for C, but C can't reciprocate sexually but comes to the conclusion they are bi-romantic and can reciprocate romantically. OT3-ever-after.

And while it's still important to me that this happens, that the conversation that sex is not the sole, not the "ultimate" expression of affection, in many ways I'm preaching to the choir. The people reading fanfic, in particular slash fic and polyamory, and original queer fiction are already more likely onboard with this idea. Not everyone, but a larger percentage of the audience than that of a general newspaper. The people who most need to learn that gender and sex and sexuality are not nearly so black and white as they'd like to think will avoid anything that threatens their comfortable worldview.

Comments

[cmcmck]

Saints preserve us from narrow minded idiots and I should know!

Hugs

[meridian_rose]

Thank you :D

[silk_dragon_zen]

Sorry your Monday is being rained on by people's narrow minded intolerance and their unwillingness to think before writing. Asexual erasure sucks.

<3 *offers dragon hugs* <3

[meridian_rose]

Thank you! Dragon hugs are always welcome!

[ardyforshort]

I'm asexual and I hear you on every level.
*hugs you in an affectionate non-sexual way*

[meridian_rose]

Thank you! :D

[setentpet.livejournal.com]

I can't even begin to understand why people even think any of this is their business, much less why they think they get to have such strong opinions on things that don't even concern them. AND....when those opinions are so hurtful I get it even less.

[meridian_rose]

This is what happens when everything from news stories to advice columns allows comments; the same toxic drivel of misogyny, homophobia, racism, and transphobia. People feel entitled to tell everyone their opinions in as hateful a manner as possible. It sucks :/

But thank you for reading and making a positive comment :) I do believe there's a groundswell of change and eventually the tide will shift.

[itsjustc.livejournal.com]

I hate the articles about "We had sex 8 times a night"!

Yeah....right.....good for you!!!

[meridian_rose]

Thank you :D

[tinny]

I can't say much about sexuality, but of course (as you said) the problem exists for other themes, too.

I've been involved in some petitions for gender equality and helping refugees and some green themes, and it's the same everywhere. People try to bully everyone into submission who tries to change the status quo. I know it's not the same for things I choose to do, compared to a sexual orientation, but I didn't choose to be a woman, and that alone is enough to get hate already. *sigh*

But I also believe that all we can do is state our point over and over, and try to change things (against the tide of hate). It has already gotten better over the last 50 years, and change like that takes time. Generations.

[meridian_rose]

I think that's valid, that the sex and gender identity we're born with aren't our choice. The misogyny is still appalling, even though we have made in-roads. You're right. Change takes time, and it's two steps forward and one back, but we keep moving slowly onwards.

[zeph317toho.livejournal.com]

I completely agree with the first comment here, that I don't understand why people think this is any of their business! I used to have hope for humanity until I started reading the comments on public news sites, and now ugh. I only hope that the vile really are just an outspoken minority who feel the need to share their opinions with the world at large. I'm sorry you have to face this kind of prejudice.

[meridian_rose]

Thank you *hugs*
I comfort myself with the idea that the trolls and bigots are, as you say, in the minority. Most people won't comment because they don't think its their business. There was a poll once about same sex couples being allowed to marry and the 'yes' was high, 80-90 per cent, yet the majority of the comments were from homophobes who felt the need to lecture about at length about morality. Everyone was quite happy!

[violetemerald]

I know what you mean about preaching to the choir. So frustrating. Every little thing helps though and a fic like that sounds like somehow it IS still needed, it will help adjust SOMEONE's perspective, I think. ;)

[meridian_rose]

Thank you! There's always the hope that your work, meta or fic, can make a difference, whether that's solidarity (which is perhaps a nicer way of saying preaching to the choir!) or giving someone a new perspective :D