Fic: Whole and Complete Unto Thyself

[meridian_rose]

Title: Whole and Complete Unto Thyself
Fandom: Original Work
Rating: Mature for language and themes. Gen. Original Characters.
Word Count: 1499
Prompt: For mmom and allbingo wild card - asexuality
Summary: There's nothing like being told the only sex you'll ever have is wrong to knock your self-esteem. If you're lucky, you have a friend to vent to. Discussion of sexual orientations and asexuality in particular. Please see the endnotes.


"Hey," Gia said as Abigail opened the door. "I brought goodies."

Abigail nodded which wasn't good. Abigail talked a lot and quiet never boded well. When she'd got the text Gia had pulled her emergency Margarita bag from the freezer - it beat having to mix cocktails – and picked up a couple of party-sized snack bags. If Abigail wanted ice-cream it would have to be from her own freezer because Gia was fresh out.

While Abigail curled up in her favourite chair, Gia dished out snacks and poured drinks. Girl's Night In wasn't an uncommon occurrence but tonight this was a Let Me Love You event. Gia hoped she was up to the task.

"So," Gia said, sipping at her drink. "What happened?"

Abigail shook her head, the picture of misery.

"You had a fight with Diana," Gia prompted, which was the essence of the text.

Abigail nodded. "We're through." She gave a self-deprecating laugh. "That sounds overdramatic for a friendship. Except for the part where friendship is all I've ever have. And I deserve to be alone."

Gia frowned. "Diana said that?"

"Pretty much." Abigail took a long drink. "You'd think a bisexual would be more accepting of an asexual. All the crap we both get about our orientations not being real. How people say asexuals are prudes and bisexuals are slutty McSluts."

Gia considered. "I don't know. Straight, gay, lesbian," she said, ticking them off on her fingers, smiling as she then pointed to herself. "It's probably easier to say you know how you only get sexually aroused by men – or, you know, women – well it's like that, except I don’t get aroused by men or women. Bisexuals, who knows? Maybe they can't grasp it."

Abigail shook her head, munching a few tortilla chips. "No one is attracted to everyone."

"Come on," Gia said. "I need more details. If I'm going to sympathise and empathise and badmouth Diana, I need more information."

Abigail took a deep breath. "I was talking about how hot this scene was in a book I'm reading. And then I got to talking about masturbation. And Diana said masturbation wasn't good enough. That it wasn't real sex. That the only sex I'll probably ever have wasn't...I don't know. Not right? Because resorting to masturbation makes her want to kill herself."

Gia snorted. "And you think you're being overdramatic? Wait, isn't this the woman who won't drink Tequila with you because she's so obsessed with self-control?"

Abigail nodded. Gia rolled her eyes.

"And when I pointed out," Abigail went on, "that she was being rude about my sexual orientation she pulled out the but sex is important card. She actually said that an asexual in a relationship ought to expect their partner to cheat on them – only it wouldn't be cheating in Diana's mind, because Tequila is evil but sex is essential to life."

Gia had never actually met Diana which was rapidly becoming a damn good thing, because otherwise she'd now be Having Words with her instead of being here for Abigail.

"I asked how long a straight person was supposed to wait to cheat on someone," Abigail said, blinking away tears. "If their partner was sick, or working overseas, fighting in the military. One month? Six? How long before you so need sex you start fucking the neighbours? She didn't have an answer."

Course she didn't. Gia topped up their glasses. There wasn't anything to say yet. Abigail needed to vent.

"I'm not desperate for a relationship. I'm okay by myself," Abigail said. "Mostly. I keep wondering if maybe I'm demisexual." She'd taught Gia the term and it made a certain sense. "Or if I might find someone I loved romantically but couldn't bear to have penetrative sex with. I have kinks. There are lines...there are things I might do and things I wouldn't."

Gia nodded. "That's the same for everyone." It was just Abigail's lines were drawn further back than most.

"But what would be the point of a relationship? I'd have to expect him to cheat on me. I'd have to let him fuck his way around all of England if he wanted, maybe get some STD's or father some children and then dump me because I'm not his fuckbuddy, not a mother." Abigail let out a sob. Gia leaned over and put one hand on her knee. "That's the only reason to date, right? To fuck. But masturbation? That's evil. Everything I do to my body is wrong but she needs to use someone else's body for gratification and that's being normal?"

Gia was tempted to track down Diana and give her a piece of her mind. "So this Diana is up on her high horse, telling you all your pleasures are wrong, and you deserve to be alone or a doormat and for some reason you give a flying fuck what she thinks?"

Abigail responded to the anger in Gia's tone, drawing strength from it. "I shouldn't."

"Of course you shouldn't! Jesus wept, I need to get Gail to introduce you to Riley. He's a bisexual who's not a douchebag. I wish I knew other asexuals so I could have them say supportive things. I know there are people online, stories about people in relationships that don't rely on sex..." Gia tried to remember the term. Something about aubergines? "Babe, don't this asshole get to you so much. Let me give you a hug?"

Abigail nodded. She put down her glass and Gia tucked herself as much into the armchair as she could, wrapping her arms around Abigail.

"I am whole and complete unto myself," Gia said softly. She'd heard the phrase in a corporate workshop, full of business bullshit in a New Age wrapper, but that statement had stuck with her. The idea of being whole regardless of a partner, job, children, or the absence thereof. There was something spiritual and comforting in the notion of being enough, just by being. "You too. Say it."

Haltingly, Abigail repeated the phrase. "An affirmation?"

"I guess. But it's true. You don't need a partner if you don't want one, and you don’t deserve a partner who'd screw around on you, and you certainly don’t want to get upset over assholes who'd tell you otherwise." Gia released her, moving back to her own seat.

"Thank you."

"What are friends for?" Gia smiled. "I gotta say, I don't get the idea that masturbation is bad. It's how I learnt about my body, it's how I enjoy myself between partners or just, you know, in the bath sometimes, for the hell of it. What about watching your girlfriend masturbate? Or mutual masturbation? Or is a lot of partner sex so horrifying it should make people suicidal?"

Abigail shrugged. "I didn't ask. I just can't get over it, that she's saying I'm wrong and broken. Diana says she's bisexual; would she storm up to a lesbian and say ugh, a woman licking me makes me suicidal I also need a man's dick in me. Because that's what's she doing, saying the sex you have is bad."

"Again, don't need assholes in your life. You're through with her? Then be through. Not to get all Frozen on you, but let it go. I know it's easier said than done but you have to try."

Abigail gave her an uncertain look.

"I know you're not used to this because you don't really date," Gia said, "but sometimes you have to cut people out of your life. It might hurt at first but it'll hurt less than trying to make up with someone who doesn't accept the essence of who you are."

Gia swallowed the rest of her Margarita. "Babe, you're who you are. Asexual. Not a prude. Someone who reads more erotica than I do, and isn't afraid to talk about masturbation and sex. Be proud of it, and if you can't be proud, at least don't be ashamed."

Abigail studied a tortilla chip. "I mostly feel angry. I trusted her and I thought she understood. I didn't choose my orientation."

"None of us do," Gia said. "You want to be angry, just make sure you're angry at her not yourself. Fuck her. Or, you know, not." She intoned, "May the sex gods keep Diana from copulation until she has learnt her lesson!"

Abigail laughed, which brought a smile to Gia's lips. "So," Gia purred, stretching out along the sofa. "Tell me about this book you're reading that got you so horny."

She listened, as Abigail outlined the plot, feeling warm from both the drinks and the company. It felt good to be able to cheer someone up. Gia knew it was like to be on the receiving end of the you're sick and wrong spiel and she hadn't talked to that so-called friend since. Accepting her own sexuality had been a process, and she was still learning and growing. And if she could help Abigail do the same, then she was happy to do it.

---

Notes:
"Something about aubergines" – Gia is thinking of zucchini; in the UK the vegetable is known as a courgette which might be adding to her confusion.

Please bear in mind if you're commenting that this is a fictionalised story about something that happened to me, except I didn't have a Gia to be supportive. As such it's been much harder for me to "let it go" and almost a year later this fic is an attempt at catharsis.
I should have seen the warning signs, the multiple hypocrisies, some odd ideas about what did/did not constitute abuse, the notion that emotional intimacy (being open and honest about your life) in a relationship wasn't essential but physical intimacy was...I was a fool to get emotionally invested in this person.
I'd probably be less angry if I didn't continue to come up against the exact same attitudes. The world is full of Dianas (and to be clear they're not all bisexuals).

Comments

[silk_dragon_zen]

Thanks for posting this. I think many of us have either lost friends or alienated potential friends by coming out as Ace or by already being an out Ace. It really sucks, especially when you lose a friend because they turn out to be a bigoted and judgmental asshole. So sorry that happened to you too. 💜

[meridian_rose]

Thank you *hugs* It's helpful to know someone understands so well; Gia is a lesbian because I think straight people have a harder time understanding other sexualities at all, let alone asexuality.

Every year I blog at asexual awareness week and almost every time I lose a follower or encounter some drama over it. The worst thing was the real "Diana" always claimed to be supportive but her attitude to masturbation over sex was the last straw after her obsession with and physical intimacy over emotional intimacy and overall hypocrisy.

[silk_dragon_zen]

Wow, that's amazingly closed-minded of her. I mean all the crap she said, but even that masturbation thing. Sheesh. Masturbation is no different in my mind from playing Minecraft or knitting, or whatever else people do for fun to pass the time.

The main reason I don't masturbate is that it isn't fun for me, much in the same way that Minecraft or knitting aren't fun for everyone.

Also, I don't see why such things should be *required* to be activities done with another person. I mean, sure, Minecraft is more fun for me on a server where I can work collaboratively with other players and we can show off all the cool things we built, but some people are happier playing alone and just sharing the screen shots. And that's okay.

Again, I'm so sorry that person put you through all that bs. She's clearly not worthy of your friendship.

[itsjustc.livejournal.com]

Diana is a really rubbish person *hugs*

I hope you find your Gia for support x

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

What an amazing way to work out your own thoughts and feelings through this fictionalized retelling!!! It seems as though this would truly be cathartic. I hope so!

[brontefanatic.livejournal.com]

Diana is a rotten human being, and I'm so sorry that you had to go through such a shitty similar experience without the support of a good friend like Gia.

I don't know why everybody can't just accept that we are all individuals with a variety of orientations, and as long as nobody is being hurt by whatever sexual or non-sexual activity one happens to engage in, then it's nobody's business, and is perfectly normal - whatever "normal" means. I'm beginning to hate that word.

Thanks for sharing this. It must have been difficult, but maybe helpful, too, in order to work out your feelings and frustrations with the stupidity and cruelty of other people.