meridian_rose (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
meridian_rose) wrote2013-02-25 08:49 pm
meridian_rose) wrote2013-02-25 08:49 pm
Fic: Alice In Bleeping Wonderland
Title: Alice In Bleeping Wonderland
Fandom: Very loosely based on the Alice in Wonderland/Alice Through the Looking Glass books and their adaptations and parodies
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1302
Prompt: For the![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
writerverse amnesty prompts:
Just Past Eight; Cat’s Eyes; Down the Rabbit Hole; &%!#*#@; Games; Trespassing; Chess Match; “This is your fault”; Antique; Royalty
Summary: A very crack story drawing on elements from Alice in Wonderland, told with irreverence and unnecessary asides by a snarky narrator.
Content Notes: No standard warnings apply.
Alice followed the rabbit –
And fell….
Down…
Down…
Down…
"&%!#*#@," she said, because she knew a lot bad words, but she was a child and whenever someone said a bad word, someone else said but Won't Someone Please Think Of The Children!! whatever that meant, so she swore in a grawlix and that ought to keep everyone, including you, dear reader, happy.
When she landed, she found herself next to an antique piano. She tinkled the ivories, which, would-be censors should note, was nothing more offensive than playing the piano keys and has nothing to do with any adult activities.
Although, it must be said tinkling the ivories or possibly an ivory could be a useful euphemism. It should also be said that piano keys are no longer made of ivory, because killing an elephant just to make its teeth into a musical instrument is rather cruel and leads to elephants becoming endangered. However Alice lived in a different time and this was a very old piano.
In short, tinkling the ivories might be an example of something that is no longer accurate but exists as a rather historically informative idiom.
All this is a bit pointless however, since Alice didn't know how to play the piano and simply made a rather dreadful noise.
"I wonder what that bleeping rabbit went?" Alice wondered, because speaking in a grawlix was tiring and 'bleeping' was much easier to say. She picked up a bottle that said "drink me" and so she did. It should be pointed out to younger readers that while doing what you are told is generally a Very Good Idea, when an unknown substance insists on ingestion, it's probably not so wise.
Alice shrank down until she was tiny, about as big as a mouse. She saw a tiny door in the skirting board. She pushed the door open and went through it. She followed a winding path through green fields until she came to a long table with a white tablecloth, just sitting in the open with lots of chairs around it. It looked like someone was preparing for a tea party, for a giant teapot had pride of place on the table, surrounded by lots of cakes.
"Hello," she said.
"Trespasser!" shrieked the host, who was laying out the tea things.
"I am not trespassing," Alice said hotly. "There's no door or fence or a sign or anything that says this is your private property!"
"No sign! No sign! Oh, well, come in then. But don't sit down," said the host. He was a small man wearing a huge hat.
"Why?" asked Alice.
"No room, no room," said the host.
"There's plenty of room," Alice pointed out, for all the chairs were empty.
"That's because it's just past eight." Which made no sense because it wasn't just past eight in the morning or the evening. The man picked up a teapot, and poured out a mouse out of the spout. It was mouse size to Alice, even though Alice hadn't grown, which meant everything must be very tiny here. It made her head spin to think of it, and she took a seat without being asked to.
"It's my unbirthday," the man told her.
"Oh. Happy unbirthday?" Alice said.
"Twinkle, twinkle, little rat, are you running from a cat?" sang the mouse.
Out of the corner of her eye, Alice saw the bleeping rabbit run by again, whining about how he was late. She was going to catch up with it and give it a piece of her mind – not too big a piece though, because she needed her mind for thinking with.
She chased after the rabbit into a dark wood but lost sight of him. She was soon hopelessly lost and sat down, trying not to cry.
"What's wrong?"
She couldn't see anyone or anything at first, and then she spotted bright cat's eyes floating nearby. No cat, just the eyes. Then a wide crescent mouth appeared, and then a stripy cat in the sort of pastel colours most cats would be embarrassed to be seen in.
"I'm lost," said Alice.
"Where are you going?" asked the cat.
"I don't know."
"Then it really doesn't matter what path you take, does it?"
Heartened by this obvious but unhelpful advice, Alice chose a path and walked along it. Finally she found herself free of the woods and in a well maintained garden where two human sized playing cards with heads, arms, and legs, were painting some roses.
It should be pointed out that while Alice, at this point, didn't find the anthropomorphised playing cards too bizarre, she did find them painting flowers to be odd. This was because they weren't painting a picture of roses on a canvas, but putting actual paint on actual roses that were growing in the actual ground. This place was full of nonsense.
"What are you doing?" Alice asked.
"Painting the roses of course," said Jack of Hearts. "If the Queen sees these white roses she'll go spare! Likes everything red, she does."
A trumpet sounded and the Queen of Hearts approached. "Who are you?" she demanded.
"Alice," said Alice.
"Would you like to play croquet?"
It didn't seem polite to refuse, not even when the croquet mallet turned out to be a flamingo. Despite apologising to it every time she used her flamingo to hit the ball , Alice found herself enjoying the game so much she accidentally won. The Queen of Hearts was Not Happy.
"Let's play another game," she said. "Chess match everyone!"
Alice wasn't so sure how to play chess, and it didn't help matters that she was instructed not to play chess by moving pieces but by being a pawn. She was probably not much bigger than a pawn back in her world, on account of the potion she'd drunk. It made her sad to think that if she got home she might have to sit on a cotton reel and drink from a thimble, like Tom Thumb.
"Don't despair! If you get to the other side of the board you will be a queen," said the Queen of Hearts, and dashed off to bash a knight over the head.
Alice shuffled her way across the board, one giant square at a time. It was exhausting. Then she spotted the White Rabbit, who was dashing about at the side of the board, still complaining about being late.
"This is all your fault," Alice yelled (though she was the one who had chased the rabbit, remember!) and jumped off the board. She chased him into the woods and found herself in a clearing where a caterpillar was smoking some very naughty substance.
"Dude, woah, check out all the colours," said the caterpillar.
"Where did the rabbit go?" Alice demanded.
"I don't know. I'm so hungry." The caterpillar began munching on the mushroom he was sitting on and grew a bit larger. Alice ran over and took a bite from the mushroom too, but she got even smaller!
"Other side, dude," advised the caterpillar.
Alice had to tiptoe but she managed to grab a piece of mushroom and eat it. She grew a bit larger. So she ate another piece. And another. Before she knew it she was growing so fast she was higher than the trees. She grew so high she bumped her head on the moon!
"Sorry," said Alice.
"Oh, it's my own fault for being out in the day," said the moon.
Alice kept growing and growing –
- and woke up on the riverbank where she'd fallen asleep.
"It must have been a dream," she said, relieved. Then sadly, "I never did get to be a queen."
Which just goes to show.
What do you mean, what does it go to show? What am I, your mother?
*the end*
Notes: I may have had a glass of wine or two before I wrote this. It probably shows. On the other hand this fic flowed like nothing I've written for about two months and I had fun :)
Also grawlix is a thing; I had to google for the word, because I knew the concept had a specific name but I couldn't remember what it was.
Finally a skirting board is apparently called a baseboard in the USA. I only know there was a different term because I've seen some DIY/restoration shows filmed in the States (I still had to google to doublecheck)
Fandom: Very loosely based on the Alice in Wonderland/Alice Through the Looking Glass books and their adaptations and parodies
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1302
Prompt: For the
writerverse amnesty prompts:Just Past Eight; Cat’s Eyes; Down the Rabbit Hole; &%!#*#@; Games; Trespassing; Chess Match; “This is your fault”; Antique; Royalty
Summary: A very crack story drawing on elements from Alice in Wonderland, told with irreverence and unnecessary asides by a snarky narrator.
Content Notes: No standard warnings apply.
Alice followed the rabbit –
And fell….
Down…
Down…
Down…
"&%!#*#@," she said, because she knew a lot bad words, but she was a child and whenever someone said a bad word, someone else said but Won't Someone Please Think Of The Children!! whatever that meant, so she swore in a grawlix and that ought to keep everyone, including you, dear reader, happy.
When she landed, she found herself next to an antique piano. She tinkled the ivories, which, would-be censors should note, was nothing more offensive than playing the piano keys and has nothing to do with any adult activities.
Although, it must be said tinkling the ivories or possibly an ivory could be a useful euphemism. It should also be said that piano keys are no longer made of ivory, because killing an elephant just to make its teeth into a musical instrument is rather cruel and leads to elephants becoming endangered. However Alice lived in a different time and this was a very old piano.
In short, tinkling the ivories might be an example of something that is no longer accurate but exists as a rather historically informative idiom.
All this is a bit pointless however, since Alice didn't know how to play the piano and simply made a rather dreadful noise.
"I wonder what that bleeping rabbit went?" Alice wondered, because speaking in a grawlix was tiring and 'bleeping' was much easier to say. She picked up a bottle that said "drink me" and so she did. It should be pointed out to younger readers that while doing what you are told is generally a Very Good Idea, when an unknown substance insists on ingestion, it's probably not so wise.
Alice shrank down until she was tiny, about as big as a mouse. She saw a tiny door in the skirting board. She pushed the door open and went through it. She followed a winding path through green fields until she came to a long table with a white tablecloth, just sitting in the open with lots of chairs around it. It looked like someone was preparing for a tea party, for a giant teapot had pride of place on the table, surrounded by lots of cakes.
"Hello," she said.
"Trespasser!" shrieked the host, who was laying out the tea things.
"I am not trespassing," Alice said hotly. "There's no door or fence or a sign or anything that says this is your private property!"
"No sign! No sign! Oh, well, come in then. But don't sit down," said the host. He was a small man wearing a huge hat.
"Why?" asked Alice.
"No room, no room," said the host.
"There's plenty of room," Alice pointed out, for all the chairs were empty.
"That's because it's just past eight." Which made no sense because it wasn't just past eight in the morning or the evening. The man picked up a teapot, and poured out a mouse out of the spout. It was mouse size to Alice, even though Alice hadn't grown, which meant everything must be very tiny here. It made her head spin to think of it, and she took a seat without being asked to.
"It's my unbirthday," the man told her.
"Oh. Happy unbirthday?" Alice said.
"Twinkle, twinkle, little rat, are you running from a cat?" sang the mouse.
Out of the corner of her eye, Alice saw the bleeping rabbit run by again, whining about how he was late. She was going to catch up with it and give it a piece of her mind – not too big a piece though, because she needed her mind for thinking with.
She chased after the rabbit into a dark wood but lost sight of him. She was soon hopelessly lost and sat down, trying not to cry.
"What's wrong?"
She couldn't see anyone or anything at first, and then she spotted bright cat's eyes floating nearby. No cat, just the eyes. Then a wide crescent mouth appeared, and then a stripy cat in the sort of pastel colours most cats would be embarrassed to be seen in.
"I'm lost," said Alice.
"Where are you going?" asked the cat.
"I don't know."
"Then it really doesn't matter what path you take, does it?"
Heartened by this obvious but unhelpful advice, Alice chose a path and walked along it. Finally she found herself free of the woods and in a well maintained garden where two human sized playing cards with heads, arms, and legs, were painting some roses.
It should be pointed out that while Alice, at this point, didn't find the anthropomorphised playing cards too bizarre, she did find them painting flowers to be odd. This was because they weren't painting a picture of roses on a canvas, but putting actual paint on actual roses that were growing in the actual ground. This place was full of nonsense.
"What are you doing?" Alice asked.
"Painting the roses of course," said Jack of Hearts. "If the Queen sees these white roses she'll go spare! Likes everything red, she does."
A trumpet sounded and the Queen of Hearts approached. "Who are you?" she demanded.
"Alice," said Alice.
"Would you like to play croquet?"
It didn't seem polite to refuse, not even when the croquet mallet turned out to be a flamingo. Despite apologising to it every time she used her flamingo to hit the ball , Alice found herself enjoying the game so much she accidentally won. The Queen of Hearts was Not Happy.
"Let's play another game," she said. "Chess match everyone!"
Alice wasn't so sure how to play chess, and it didn't help matters that she was instructed not to play chess by moving pieces but by being a pawn. She was probably not much bigger than a pawn back in her world, on account of the potion she'd drunk. It made her sad to think that if she got home she might have to sit on a cotton reel and drink from a thimble, like Tom Thumb.
"Don't despair! If you get to the other side of the board you will be a queen," said the Queen of Hearts, and dashed off to bash a knight over the head.
Alice shuffled her way across the board, one giant square at a time. It was exhausting. Then she spotted the White Rabbit, who was dashing about at the side of the board, still complaining about being late.
"This is all your fault," Alice yelled (though she was the one who had chased the rabbit, remember!) and jumped off the board. She chased him into the woods and found herself in a clearing where a caterpillar was smoking some very naughty substance.
"Dude, woah, check out all the colours," said the caterpillar.
"Where did the rabbit go?" Alice demanded.
"I don't know. I'm so hungry." The caterpillar began munching on the mushroom he was sitting on and grew a bit larger. Alice ran over and took a bite from the mushroom too, but she got even smaller!
"Other side, dude," advised the caterpillar.
Alice had to tiptoe but she managed to grab a piece of mushroom and eat it. She grew a bit larger. So she ate another piece. And another. Before she knew it she was growing so fast she was higher than the trees. She grew so high she bumped her head on the moon!
"Sorry," said Alice.
"Oh, it's my own fault for being out in the day," said the moon.
Alice kept growing and growing –
- and woke up on the riverbank where she'd fallen asleep.
"It must have been a dream," she said, relieved. Then sadly, "I never did get to be a queen."
Which just goes to show.
What do you mean, what does it go to show? What am I, your mother?
*the end*
Notes: I may have had a glass of wine or two before I wrote this. It probably shows. On the other hand this fic flowed like nothing I've written for about two months and I had fun :)
Also grawlix is a thing; I had to google for the word, because I knew the concept had a specific name but I couldn't remember what it was.
Finally a skirting board is apparently called a baseboard in the USA. I only know there was a different term because I've seen some DIY/restoration shows filmed in the States (I still had to google to doublecheck)
no subject
I'm very familiar with the Disney movie, and some of the other adaptations and offshoots (PC games, Picture Books, American McGee's Alice, etc) but only since having the Nook did I finally acquire and read both the original Alice texts in their entirety. They really are quite bizarre, which at least gave me plenty of leeway to jump from scene to scene to use all the prompts!